Advice for Separation

[kkott]

Alright AOTF, after almost 26 years of marriage, I've decided I need to move out. We've got 2 kids: 17 and 19 and we've told them. Hard for them but I think they'll be OK. No infidelity, just grown apart. I know several folks have been through it, so lay your advice on me; bags of rice and all. I could use a laugh and a pic or two wouldn't hurt either!

For you legal types, what do you know about Collaborative Law? We're looking at that, as it sounds like a great option for us, but I'm wondering if anyone has any warnings, concerns or advice in that area too? Thanks!

 

[Zizkov]

Anything in a two piece?

 

[kkott]

Anything in a two piece?

Sure:

here I am at Halloween.

 

[FrankTGucker]

I think you have to use the online chat function for that now.

 

[BGunn]

Alright AOTF, after almost 26 years of marriage, I've decided I need to move out. We've got 2 kids: 17 and 19 and we've told them. Hard for them but I think they'll be OK. No infidelity, just grown apart. I know several folks have been through it, so lay your advice on me; bags of rice and all. I could use a laugh and a pic or two wouldn't hurt either!

For you legal types, what do you know about Collaborative Law? We're looking at that, as it sounds like a great option for us, but I'm wondering if anyone has any warnings, concerns or advice in that area too? Thanks!

Based on the kid's ages, is this something you've been thinking about for a while? The reason I ask is because I know so many guys that are waiting until their kids get through high school to leave their wives. Most of them it's because the marriage has been dead for a long time and they don't want to lose time with their kids, or the kids are the only thing they have in common with their wives and once they grow up they will no longer have anything in common. My wife and I are so busy with our kids' lives that I often worry about falling into the later category.

 

[HA2740]

Alright AOTF, after almost 26 years of marriage, I've decided I need to move out. We've got 2 kids: 17 and 19 and we've told them. Hard for them but I think they'll be OK. No infidelity, just grown apart. I know several folks have been through it, so lay your advice on me; bags of rice and all. I could use a laugh and a pic or two wouldn't hurt either!

For you legal types, what do you know about Collaborative Law? We're looking at that, as it sounds like a great option for us, but I'm wondering if anyone has any warnings, concerns or advice in that area too? Thanks!

My advice is you get a roommate. More specifically, get some contact info from MD for the girl in donger's post and see if she's interested.

Now my useful advice: going through this with the intent of a "collaborative divorce" can reduce a lot of stress. Things people most often fight about in divorce are young kids or if there's money trouble. If those aren't issues and emotions can be kept in check, this could go smoothly. Here's when attempting a collaborative divorce doesn't work: 1) if one partner always cedes to the other in disagreements or 2) one partner feels a lot of guilt about the marriage ending. Someone ends up getting the short end of the straw on all the agreements when either of those are the circumstances.

 

[kkott]

My advice is you get a roommate. More specifically, get some contact info from MD for the girl in donger's post and see if she's interested.

Now my useful advice: going through this with the intent of a "collaborative divorce" can reduce a lot of stress. Things people most often fight about in divorce are young kids and if there's money trouble. If those aren't issues and emotions can be kept in check, this could go smoothly. Here's when attempting a collaborative divorce doesn't work: 1) if one partner always cedes to the other in disagreements or 2) one partner feels a lot of guilt about the marriage ending. Someone ends up getting the short end of the straw on all the agreements when either of those are the circumstances.

Good feedback both ways. MD, the ball is in your court: don't let a brother down!

As for your "real" advice, I think we are OK with that criteria, and I appreciate the feedback. Something like this can sound great when it's not an area of knowledge and I figured some on here would have more direct experience than I do. Thanks!

 

[MyTeamIsOnTheFloor]

Alright AOTF, after almost 26 years of marriage, I've decided I need to move out. We've got 2 kids: 17 and 19 and we've told them. Hard for them but I think they'll be OK. No infidelity, just grown apart. I know several folks have been through it, so lay your advice on me; bags of rice and all. I could use a laugh and a pic or two wouldn't hurt either!

For you legal types, what do you know about Collaborative Law? We're looking at that, as it sounds like a great option for us, but I'm wondering if anyone has any warnings, concerns or advice in that area too? Thanks!

Give the house to C-$'s girlfriend.

 

[IUdonger]

Alright AOTF, after almost 26 years of marriage, I've decided I need to move out. We've got 2 kids: 17 and 19 and we've told them. Hard for them but I think they'll be OK. No infidelity, just grown apart. I know several folks have been through it, so lay your advice on me; bags of rice and all. I could use a laugh and a pic or two wouldn't hurt either!

For you legal types, what do you know about Collaborative Law? We're looking at that, as it sounds like a great option for us, but I'm wondering if anyone has any warnings, concerns or advice in that area too? Thanks!

My ex and I had extremely great success using a mediator. She was great and we didn't have to go to court. You will probably have to do Families in Transition with your 17 year old, but as long as you are on the same page with her, should be okay. The mediator cost me $2000, but I pay for everything and I whittled my child support down to $29/week with my 6 and 8 year old.

Remember, the reason divorce is so expensive? It's worth it.

 

[IUecho87]

Alright AOTF, after almost 26 years of marriage, I've decided I need to move out. We've got 2 kids: 17 and 19 and we've told them. Hard for them but I think they'll be OK. No infidelity, just grown apart. I know several folks have been through it, so lay your advice on me; bags of rice and all. I could use a laugh and a pic or two wouldn't hurt either!

For you legal types, what do you know about Collaborative Law? We're looking at that, as it sounds like a great option for us, but I'm wondering if anyone has any warnings, concerns or advice in that area too? Thanks!

Grown apart, huh? I'm curious.....what were the signs as you look back on it?

Sometimes I fear my wife and I will get into a rut.....

 

[The Vid]

So, what's the point of getting married again?

 

[IUecho87]

So, what's the point of getting married again?

There isn't any....

I'm doing it once and only once.

If the first one doesn't work out, I'm enjoying the single life for the rest of my life.....no obligations.

 

[cryano]

Screw her sister...then her best friend.
Enjoy it.

 

[HA2740]

So, what's the point of getting married again?

At this point, I think there's only 3 reasons:

1. You have a religious or some other philosophical belief it adds extra legitimacy to your relationship.

2. You think of the bachelor(ette)/wedding/reception as a standard life event like getting your drivers license, going to college, having kids, etc. that you do with little question because everyone else does it.

3. You're getting sick and tired of your friends' and family's passive aggressive pressure for you and your significant other to get married.

Number 1 makes sense, if its how you intrinsically feel. 2 and 3 are dumb reasons to get married but I think are the reasons about as often as 1 nowadays.

 

[Sope Creek]

Grown apart, huh? I'm curious.....what were the signs as you look back on it?

Sometimes I fear my wife and I will get into a rut.....

Didn't you see his pic? There's a pretty good clue.

toasted is interested . . . .

 

[twenty02]

Stock up on Viagra.

 

[twenty02]

So, what's the point of getting married again?

1) Kids. While not a requisite, obviously, I think it provides some level of security to kids growing up.

2) someone to take care of you when you are old and shitting your pants.

 

[kkott]

Well, there might be some logic in NOT taking the advice of the guy going through a separation, but as trite as it sounds, my advice is don't make the focus on the kids. Kids are resilient and they will benefit more from happy emotionally stable parents, than 1 more little league or dance lessons. Set and keep date nights and continue to try and surprise and "date" one another. If you run in to problems, voice them and get help. When anything starts to be too 1-sided in a relationship; I think that's a bad sign.

Sope, that's not really my pic. First fugly guy in a 2 piece I could find. My junk wouldn't fit in that bikini bottom.

 

[Bloom.]

Give the house to C-$'s girlfriend.

Does she need another one?

 

[Bloom.]

At this point, I think there's only 3 reasons:

1. You have a religious or some other philosophical belief it adds extra legitimacy to your relationship.

2. You think of the bachelor(ette)/wedding/reception as a standard life event like getting your drivers license, going to college, having kids, etc. that you do with little question because everyone else does it.

3. You're getting sick and tired of your friends' and family's passive aggressive pressure for you and your significant other to get married.

Number 1 makes sense, if its how you intrinsically feel. 2 and 3 are dumb reasons to get married but I think are the reasons about as often as 1 nowadays.

The reasons to get married are the reasons why Kkott is going through a separation. Through raising children, they grew apart. I would imagine kids change the focus of a relationship that some never get through. They may not even know it's a problem until it's time for the children to get into college.

This time around there aren't any kids clouding the relationship. It's a completely different relationship.

I've seen a lot of this in the families of the kids I've coached. Not all led to divorce, but it was a redefinition of their relationship.

 

[mike41703]

Grown apart, huh? I'm curious.....what were the signs as you look back on it?

Sometimes I fear my wife and I will get into a rut.....

Yeah.

Marriage is stupid. Luckily, my wife and I have a couple common interests(booze) and she expects next to nothing out of me. If it weren't for that it wouldn't work. I couldn't handle some of the *fudge*ing c****s my friends are married to.

 

[mk_peters]

I whittled my child support down to $29/week with my 6 and 8 year old.

That's $2.07 per kid per day. Brother IUdonger, that would make Sally Struthers blush.

 

[Cream&Crimson]

Alright AOTF, after almost 26 years of marriage, I've decided I need to move out. We've got 2 kids: 17 and 19 and we've told them. Hard for them but I think they'll be OK. No infidelity, just grown apart. I know several folks have been through it, so lay your advice on me; bags of rice and all. I could use a laugh and a pic or two wouldn't hurt either!

For you legal types, what do you know about Collaborative Law? We're looking at that, as it sounds like a great option for us, but I'm wondering if anyone has any warnings, concerns or advice in that area too? Thanks!

Sorry to hear. My advice would be first order of business: if you haven't already (you should have done this before you announced you were leaving), open a new bank account in your name and make sure your paychecks are deposited in the new one asap. As far as I know there is no law that says you have to have your pay go into a joint account. You may not think she would drain your joint account, but people get crazy at that time.

 

[IU Meathead]

So, what's the point of getting married again?

That is an easy answer if you marry the right person and both work at it.
My parents have their 45th Anny this fall, my in-laws are also at 44 years, my grandparents are over 65 years together.

Bad marriages can be horrible, but great ones seem to be worth it.

 

[kkott]

That is an easy answer if you marry the right person and both work at it.
My parents have their 45th Anny this fall, my in-laws are also at 44 years, my grandparents are over 65 years together.

Bad marriages can be horrible, but great ones seem to be worth it.

Agreed, but I do think far too many people get married... and become parents! As you said, working at it is important. We, like others in this thread, put our kids first and I really think that's a mistake. Take care of your kids, but focus on your marriage and it will benefit everyone. As I said, I may not be the best person to take advice from on such matters however. Thanks for the serious, and not so serious advice. Disappointed no pics though. I though you guys would try harder to cheer me up.Guess just like my love life now, I'll take matters in to my own hands. Let's see what GISing "slutty shorts" turns up?

 

[iubud]

Alright AOTF, after almost 26 years of marriage, I've decided I need to move out. We've got 2 kids: 17 and 19 and we've told them. Hard for them but I think they'll be OK. No infidelity, just grown apart. I know several folks have been through it, so lay your advice on me; bags of rice and all. I could use a laugh and a pic or two wouldn't hurt either!

For you legal types, what do you know about Collaborative Law? We're looking at that, as it sounds like a great option for us, but I'm wondering if anyone has any warnings, concerns or advice in that area too? Thanks!

Sorry to hear that. We have one more kid to leave the nest and we will have the house to ourselves. I'm sure it will be sad, but we will enjoy our time together.

I wouldn't want to try to change something that you obviously thought long and hard about, but your kids will be leaving home soon (hopefully). Do you think you could reconnect with that woman you loved enough to marry and spent 26 years with after your kids leave the nest?

My wife and I have tried to have at least one date a week for 30 years. It might have been an hour to grab dinner or shop for something we needed while we waited for a kid to get out of dance, or various practices. Making some time for each other is the secret of our 30 years.

I often imagine our kids coming to our house for Christmas with grandchildren and my wife and I standing by the door waiting for them. I picture us waving goodbye and looking forward to the next time we can see them together. I can't imagine the alternate image of splitting holidays with my kids and grandkids. That sad image would make me work hard to make the marriage work again.

 

[cryano]

Sorry to hear that. We have one more kid to leave the nest and we will have the house to ourselves. I'm sure it will be sad, but we will enjoy our time together.

I wouldn't want to try to change something that you obviously thought long and hard about, but your kids will be leaving home soon (hopefully). Do you think you could reconnect with that woman you loved enough to marry and spent 26 years with after your kids leave the nest?

My wife and I have tried to have at least one date a week for 30 years. It might have been an hour to grab dinner or shop for something we needed while we waited for a kid to get out of dance, or various practices. Making some time for each other is the secret of our 30 years.

I often imagine our kids coming to our house for Christmas with grandchildren and my wife and I standing by the door waiting for them. I picture us waving goodbye and looking forward to the next time we can see them together. I can't imagine the alternate image of splitting holidays with my kids and grandkids. That sad image would make me work hard to make the marriage work again.

Geez - mine as well give the guy a bullet - you sappy SOB

 

[kkott]

Geez - mine as well give the guy a bullet - you sappy SOB

It's all right. You are right though, I'm not sitting with IUBud at a funeral for someone I love. Bud, I'm happy for you, you have done the things I wish I'd done. But to answer your question no, I think it's too late. I had dreams like that for a long time, but now the kids leaving is what I fear. We have very little in common and my wife doesn't enjoy spending time with me anymore. That would be a very lonely house until the holidays. Throw your wife on the kitchen table for me tonight!

 

[Lucy01]

It's all right. You are right though, I'm not sitting with IUBud at a funeral for someone I love. Bud, I'm happy for you, you have done the things I wish I'd done. But to answer your question no, I think it's too late. I had dreams like that for a long time, but now the kids leaving is what I fear. We have very little in common and my wife doesn't enjoy spending time with me anymore. That would be a very lonely house until the holidays. Throw your wife on the kitchen table for me tonight!

You're in denial, If she doesn't like spending time with you she's spending time with someone else! You haven't grown apart, She has someone else no matter what you say. Best way to get over it is start boning someone else

 

[crossfire74]

Alright AOTF, after almost 26 years of marriage, I've decided I need to move out. We've got 2 kids: 17 and 19 and we've told them. Hard for them but I think they'll be OK. No infidelity, just grown apart. I know several folks have been through it, so lay your advice on me; bags of rice and all. I could use a laugh and a pic or two wouldn't hurt either!

For you legal types, what do you know about Collaborative Law? We're looking at that, as it sounds like a great option for us, but I'm wondering if anyone has any warnings, concerns or advice in that area too? Thanks!

Way to be a quitter! Also way too go on teaching your kids that wedding vows don't mean chit and it's easier to quit than to try. Great parenting there! Good Job. You would rather be selfish and hurt your kids than fight. Unless she cheated, I recommend that you stop the nonsense, quit being selfish, and be a man and a father and a husband, and fix it. I know everyone quits these days, but unless you want your children to repeat your errors, I'd teach them that hard work and trying is the way to fix things, not walking away to "greener grass" that won't solve your issues.

 

[Rakkasan29]

Yeah.

Marriage is stupid. Luckily, my wife and I have a couple common interests(booze) and she expects next to nothing out of me. If it weren't for that it wouldn't work. I couldn't handle some of the *fudge*ing c****s my friends are married to.

So...your wife is Fred Glass and you're Tom Crean...?

Sounds like a match made in Heaven...

 

[IUecho87]

So...your wife is Fred Glass and you're Tom Crean...?

Sounds like a match made in Heaven...

That's a same sex marriage I'm totally against....

....the suffering the kids (IU fans) would have to go through....

 

[kkott]

Way to be a quitter! Also way too go on teaching your kids that wedding vows don't mean chit and it's easier to quit than to try. Great parenting there! Good Job. You would rather be selfish and hurt your kids than fight. Unless she cheated, I recommend that you stop the nonsense, quit being selfish, and be a man and a father and a husband, and fix it. I know everyone quits these days, but unless you want your children to repeat your errors, I'd teach them that hard work and trying is the way to fix things, not walking away to "greener grass" that won't solve your issues.

You should have stopped with your first line. Let me be the first to tell you to STFU and not try and diagnose a situation you know nothing about. A relationship isn't a 1 way thing and you can't fix it by yourself no matter how hard you try. Nobody's "quitting". I'm making sure my wife and kids are taken care of, that my kids understand what's going on and that they have 2 loving and supportive parents, who are happier and healthier apart than they were together. I've hung in there and tried for years. I'm also hoping we don't rush in to a divorce, just in case we decide together that we both want to try and work it out. Now go F yourself and get to work on the deficit, healthcare and police-community relations. Can't believe you've quit on all those: fix it MAN!

 

[Tony20]

Sorry to hear about separation/divorce. Each situation is different so I won't try to speculate. I will offer this to anyone with kids (specifically younger kids). If you make everything just about the kids don't be surprised when the divorce card comes calling. Relationships change over time and if you don't keep putting forth the effort they'll fail.

Good luck keeping it amicable.

 

[mk_peters]

Way to be a quitter! Also way too go on teaching your kids that wedding vows don't mean chit and it's easier to quit than to try. Great parenting there! Good Job. You would rather be selfish and hurt your kids than fight. Unless she cheated, I recommend that you stop the nonsense, quit being selfish, and be a man and a father and a husband, and fix it. I know everyone quits these days, but unless you want your children to repeat your errors, I'd teach them that hard work and trying is the way to fix things, not walking away to "greener grass" that won't solve your issues.

Or, you can score an 8 ball and place a Craig's List request. I might be dating myself here, but in my day, nothing spelled "winner" like hookers and blow.

 

[HA2740]

Way to be a quitter! Also way too go on teaching your kids that wedding vows don't mean chit and it's easier to quit than to try. Great parenting there! Good Job. You would rather be selfish and hurt your kids than fight. Unless she cheated, I recommend that you stop the nonsense, quit being selfish, and be a man and a father and a husband, and fix it. I know everyone quits these days, but unless you want your children to repeat your errors, I'd teach them that hard work and trying is the way to fix things, not walking away to "greener grass" that won't solve your issues.

How is a post in which you actually display less illiteracy than normal still one of the stupidest things you've ever written here? You just went VPM levels of dumb.

 

[UTFO]

Alright AOTF, after almost 26 years of marriage, I've decided I need to move out. We've got 2 kids: 17 and 19 and we've told them. Hard for them but I think they'll be OK. No infidelity, just grown apart. I know several folks have been through it, so lay your advice on me; bags of rice and all. I could use a laugh and a pic or two wouldn't hurt either!

For you legal types, what do you know about Collaborative Law? We're looking at that, as it sounds like a great option for us, but I'm wondering if anyone has any warnings, concerns or advice in that area too? Thanks!

Just get a good lawyer and come up with a good separation/divorce agreement. If you agree, you'll stay out of court and the whole thing can be done immediately after the 60 day cooling off period (in Indiana).

Also, legal separation only lasts 12 months.

 

[kkott]

Just get a good lawyer and come up with a good separation/divorce agreement. If you agree, you'll stay out of court and the whole thing can be done immediately after the 60 day cooling off period (in Indiana).

Also, legal separation only lasts 12 months.

We're in NC. Don't know if that would work down here, but don't see why it wouldn't. Don't know if my wife would go that route, but I'll broach it with her.

 

[IU Meathead]

Just get a good lawyer and come up with a good separation/divorce agreement. If you agree, you'll stay out of court and the whole thing can be done immediately after the 60 day cooling off period (in Indiana).

Also, legal separation only lasts 12 months.

I just noticed your new sig pic.

ha

 

[Tony20]

Not trying to keep adding on but I would have a discussion with your attorney about updating wills/trusts and beneficiary arrangements. Again...every situation is different so I don't want to speculate but I do know people often forget to do this in the interim.