Marriage does make you happier?

[Bowlmania]

Women cheat too. Regardless, cheating by either side is a symptom not the cause.

Of course women cheat too, but men are much more likely to do so.

And "cheating is a symptom not the cause" is a flawed argument. First, it sounds like a lame excuse for adultery. If you're in a shitty marriage, get out of it before taking up with someone else. Second, there are men in solid marriages who get a little bored, develop a wandering eye, maybe have some doubts about their appearance and virility as they enter and go through middle age and need affirmation that they've still got it. Infidelity often follows. And the wife and kids are victims.

 

[Baller23Boogie]

How fast is the truck moving? For science, of course.

Edit: A whole week? You are brave.

Fast enough to cause me to not be with her anymore, I guess?

 

[Bowlmania]

Are you speaking from experience? 🤣

Good one! No, just one wife, all my kids are with her, we're active in our church, etc. Very "family values."

 

[Bowlmania]

Yep, if someone ask me how long I've been married my standard answer is FOREVER.

Will actually be 42 years next week.

Congrats. That's a long run. Happy Anniversary.

 

[larsIU]

Fast enough to cause me to not be with her anymore, I guess?

She is Italian. She has......knowledge.

 

[Baller23Boogie]

She is Italian. She has......knowledge.

Some call it knowledge.

Others call it "skills".

 

[mcmurtry66]

She is Italian. She has......knowledge.

Lars how long was your first marriage?

 

[Bloom.]

Of course women cheat too, but men are much more likely to do so.

And "cheating is a symptom not the cause" is a flawed argument. First, it sounds like a lame excuse for adultery. If you're in a shitty marriage, get out of it before taking up with someone else.

I was late for work one day, and my father asked why I was late. I said forgot my wallet and went back for it. He said that wasn't an excuse. I told him I didn't say it was an excuse, but that's the reason.

Second, there are men in solid marriages who get a little bored, develop a wandering eye, maybe have some doubts about their appearance and virility as they enter and go through middle age and need affirmation that they've still got it. Infidelity often follows. And the wife and kids are victims.

Having a reason for something doesn't mean it's an excuse. People don't cheat if they're satisfied and happy in their relationship. The cheating is the symptom. In your example it's the symptom of boredom or some fleeting need to regain confidence.

It's certainly not the only way to resolve the boredom issues, but it is certainly the result of boredom. Solid marriages aren't always happy marriages. As I said to McM, security can often be confused as happiness, especially if neither side is expressing any discontent.

If you have two people who don't like confrontation in a relationship (any for that matter -- longtime friends, work, other members of a family), it can go from 0 to 100 in a hurry. Because the offended party (maybe both) thinks there is an abrupt severance of trust or the bond, but really it was a series of uncommunicated issues that slowly eroded the relationship.

 

[Bowlmania]

I have an unusually large penis

And apparently an ego to match.

I'm otherwise speechless. Post of the week. But thanks for letting us know.

 

[mcmurtry66]

I was late for work one day, and my father asked why I was late. I said forgot my wallet and went back for it. He said that wasn't an excuse. I told him I didn't say it was an excuse, but that's the reason.


Having a reason for something doesn't mean it's an excuse. People don't cheat if they're satisfied and happy in their relationship. The cheating is the symptom. In your example it's the symptom of boredom or some fleeting need to regain confidence.

It's certainly not the only way to resolve the boredom issues, but it is certainly the result of boredom. Solid marriages aren't always happy marriages. As I said to McM, security can often be confused as happiness, especially if neither side is expressing any discontent.

If you have two people who don't like confrontation in a relationship (any for that matter -- longtime friends, work, other members of a family), it can go from 0 to 100 in a hurry. Because the offended party (maybe both) thinks there is an abrupt severance of trust or the bond, but really it was a series of uncommunicated issues that slowly eroded the relationship.

And the reality is that you can’t control other people. My wife was a nag. I ended up having a 23 yr old lingerie model who was gorgeous with a body like Emily rata whatever who was sweet as hell and funny and amazing. So I left. My wife didn’t want me to and holds a grudge to this day. But she couldn’t stop me. Fast forward 9 years and the girl I left for left me for a 31 yr old guy. I didn’t want her to leave. I wanted to stay with her til I croaked. But she was young and out in the world and had endless options. Nothing I could do to stop her despite wanting to. Now I hold a grudge. Karma maybe.

But again we make our own happiness. A relationship has never defined my happiness. Work certainly has. In both directions

 

[Bulk VanderHuge]

For sure. It’s interesting though. Professions, where you live, all sorts of odd things factor in. I have an unusually large penis and that has probably oversexualized me as well. And made things more challenging

 

[larsIU]

Lars how long was your first marriage?

Easy answer: way too ****ing long

Longer answer: 2 1/2 years.

 

[mcmurtry66]

Easy answer: way too ****ing long

Longer answer: 2 1/2 years.

Soon as the honeymoon period ended straight to court. Wow

 

[larsIU]

I have an unusually large penis and that has probably oversexualized me as well. And made things more challenging

BDP.......DIAF.

 

[larsIU]

Soon as the honeymoon period ended straight to court. Wow

We were togerther 3 years before. Never should have gotten married. Oops. I knew it from the start. I was a dumbass. And a bad person.

 

[mcmurtry66]

We were togerther 3 years before. Never should have gotten married. Oops. I knew it from the start. I was a dumbass. And a bad person.

It’s funny tho. There are societal norms that conspire to torpedoing people. You hit 30 and the expectations creep in and you pull the trigger. More bc it’s time than the right one

 

[larsIU]

You hit 30 and the expectations creep in and you pull the trigger. More bc it’s time than the right one

Bingo. I was 31 and coming off a full decade of debauchery

 

[Bowlmania]

And the reality is that you can’t control other people. My wife was a nag. I ended up having a 23 yr old lingerie model who was gorgeous with a body like Emily rata whatever who was sweet as hell and funny and amazing. So I left. My wife didn’t want me to and holds a grudge to this day. But she couldn’t stop me. Fast forward 9 years and the girl I left for left me for a 31 yr old guy. I didn’t want her to leave. I wanted to stay with her til I croaked. But she was young and out in the world and had endless options. Nothing I could do to stop her despite wanting to. Now I hold a grudge. Karma maybe.

But again we make our own happiness. A relationship has never defined my happiness. Work certainly has. In both directions

Yeah. See my post #25 above. But at least you've got the satisfaction of knowing you've probably got a bigger dick than her new boyfriend. I'm sorry that your anatomical advantage wasn't enough to salvage the relationship.

 

[mcmurtry66]

Yeah. See my post #25 above. But at least you've got the satisfaction of knowing you've probably got a bigger dick than her new boyfriend. I'm sorry that your anatomical advantage wasn't enough to salvage the relationship.

that definitely happens with young but the predicate of being in a good marriage is the problem. as bloom intimated defining a good marriage isn't easy. some are just secure. some are just lacking in options. many things go into it. i would have never stayed married to my first wife for 40 years regardless. and i don't let fear ever dictate anything in my life. i'm not risk averse. so the young one potentially leaving was never anything that would have entered my calculus. like i said. i'm super happy either way. only work has ever truly made me unhappy

 

[Bloom.]

But again we make our own happiness. A relationship has never defined my happiness. Work certainly has. In both directions

I suppose I would say the same thing about work, but as an adult I've never worked a job I didn't like or at least find interesting.

 

[mcmurtry66]

I suppose I would say the same thing about work, but as an adult I've never worked a job I didn't like or at least find interesting.

you are blessed. being unhappy at work poisons so much. it's what occupies the lion's share of hours and infects what little time we have/had to ourselves

 

[larsIU]

only work has ever truly made me unhappy

And familly

 

[Mas-sa-suta]

Yep, if someone ask me how long I've been married my standard answer is FOREVER.

Will actually be 42 years next week.

47 years married in January.
Two strong and secure children...careers, travel, great friends, incredible neighbors...serenity....
The key is the partnership and working to meet goals and expectations.

Maturity is everything..

 

[Bloom.]

you are blessed. being unhappy at work poisons so much. it's what occupies the lion's share of hours and infects what little time we have/had to ourselves

I could make more money doing other things, but I have four income streams, two of which are mostly passive, allows me to be the slack ass I am today.

Of course I might be up until 1AM-2AM every now and then working on a coding or graphic design project.

 

[Baller23Boogie]

Yep, if someone ask me how long I've been married my standard answer is FOREVER.

Will actually be 42 years next week.

You've been married longer then I've been alive.

Congrats!

 

[Bloom.]

Maturity is everything..

So your wife has enough for the both of you?

 

[larsIU]

So your wife has enough for the both of you?

IT'S A PARTNERSHIP BLOOM

 

[Bowlmania]

People don't cheat if they're satisfied and happy in their relationship. The cheating is the symptom. In your example it's the symptom of boredom or some fleeting need to regain confidence.

I'm not sure where you're going with this. If you're arguing that adultery is always just a symptom of a bad marriage and never the cause of divorce, that's simply nonsense.

 

[Bowlmania]

This is one of the best threads ever. Thanks, murt, for opening up and letting it all hang out.

 

[Baller23Boogie]

This is one of the best threads ever. Thanks, murt, for opening up and letting it all hang out.

There's definitely a penis joke in here somewhere, but I'm gonna let someone else go for it.

 

[Bloom.]

I'm not sure where you're going with this. If you're arguing that adultery is always just a symptom of a bad marriage and never the cause of divorce, that's simply nonsense.

Never even implied it wasn't the cause for divorce, but adultery is always a symptom of something wrong. People don't cheat if they're truly happy, and while they should never cheat to begin with we know it happens.

I'm not condoning it.

 

[Bowlmania]

47 years married in January.
Two strong and secure children...careers, travel, great friends, incredible neighbors...serenity....
The key is the partnership and working to meet goals and expectations.

Maturity is everything..

Congratulations. That's impressive. Now just move past that Nazi shit and you'll be better off.

 

[mcmurtry66]

but maybe it's family and not marriage necessarily. last night i was watching the newcastle documentary on amazon. my daughter was in her room blasting taylor swift's august on a loop. might not be a great sign. and my little guy was building his train in the living room. great night. if my house was empty maybe i'd feel differently. so maybe when they're all gone i'll be old enough to get on the cougar track. tho that wouldn't comport with my bucket list to spend a year visiting english grounds and pubs along w/ euro nights

And familly

 

[larsIU]

This is one of the best threads ever. Thanks, murt, for opening up and letting it all hang out.

Don't tempt him to send a d*ck pic. You know at least 100 women have one.

 

[Bowlmania]

adultery is always a symptom of something wrong

That I can agree with.

 

[larsIU]

but maybe it's family and not marriage necessarily. last night i was watching the newcastle documentary on amazon. my daughter was in her room blasting taylor swift's august on a loop. might not be a great sign. and my little guy was building his train in the living room. great night. if my house was empty maybe i'd feel differently. so maybe when they're all gone i'll be old enough to get on the cougar track. tho that wouldn't comport with my bucket list to spend a year visiting english grounds and pubs along w/ euro nights

Oh, I'm not talking about my family.

What's the saying, you can't choose your family. It's why most have better relationships with friends.

 

[mcmurtry66]

Oh, I'm not talking about my family.

What's the saying, you can't choose your family. It's why most have better relationships with friends.

for sure re friends. my manufacturing partners and i have been friends since high school. my pot business friends since first grade. at some point they became family.

 

[Bloom.]

That I can agree with.

That's what I said to begin with.

 

[CO. Hoosier]

that definitely happens with young but the predicate of being in a good marriage is the problem. as bloom intimated defining a good marriage isn't easy. some are just secure. some are just lacking in options. many things go into it. i would have never stayed married to my first wife for 40 years regardless. and i don't let fear ever dictate anything in my life. i'm not risk averse. so the young one potentially leaving was never anything that would have entered my calculus. like i said. i'm super happy either way. only work has ever truly made me unhappy

We celebrated our 57th anniversary a few weeks ago. Everything that was said about security, convenience, comfort, necessity indeed contributes to a strong marriage, but there is a lot more.

A few anecdotes that I think anre important.

When I was in law school my stoker was in law wives club. . (Yeah, old fashioned, but we are talking late 60’s.). One of the guest speaker lawyers, mentioned lawyer divorce statistics. They were not optimistic. That bothered her. About the same time, a high school classmate gave me some great family advice at our 5 year reunion. Paraphrasing; “your kids will be around for 18-20 years, your wife will be around forever. Your wife comes first.“ Some parents get so wrapped up in kids, you neglect your spouse.

We made it a point to take a mom and dad vacation alone for as long as kids were home. 2 per year. Winter time was a usually ski weekend. A few times we did nothing more than shack up at the Brown Palace.

When we were both busy with work and kids stuff, we realized we weren’t spending time together. Once the kids were old enough to turn on the Saturday TV cartoons, we went out for breakfast. More alone time. Leaving kids that age alone for a couple hours every Saturday would probably be child abuse now.

Do things together. We bike, ski (not any more) and play cribbage.

Best day ever. A Tandem ride along the Big Sur Coast. One day was 60+ miles and 5,000 feet of total climb. Not a huge day on my single bike but the most challenging day ever on our tandem. My stoker had never done anything like that. We did it together. We finished with a big hug, and the dopamine was in abundance. She still regularly talks about that day.

The more you do together, the more memories you build, shared memories are like a hefty retirement fund for your marriage.

Now, anybody want to talk about how to hold a law firm together for 50+ years. Marriage is a piece of cake in comparison.

 

[Ohio Guy]

This has been a fun and interesting thread.

I feel like I’m happier and healthier since my divorce, but I could see how those two areas could head south post divorce.

I actually thought I was on the path to getting remarried, but now I’m not so sure. I like being able to do whatever I want to a degree and it’d take someone with a lot of understanding and grace to put up with that.

There are a lot of jokes about marriage I. This thread, but there are kernels of truth in most all of those jokes. Im all for marriage being a legit partnership, but I don’t want to ever feel like I need to ask someone for permission to do something or go somewhere. Im not really sure all that’s possible within the confines of marriage.