So my marriage is ending....
- Thread starter IUdonger
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It happens. I can't imagine how awful life would be to stay with someone
you no longer love and want to grow old with. Kudos for realizing this before losing years of your life being absolutely miserable. Tough situation though because of the kids.
you no longer love and want to grow old with. Kudos for realizing this before losing years of your life being absolutely miserable. Tough situation though because of the kids.
Yup . . .
and that's just one of the reasons the Mommy preference in child custody decisions is wrong, wrong, wrong.
At the risk of overgeneralizing and being totally sexist, many women generally are more concerned and sensitive about their physical looks and sexual attractiveness than men are. When hubby splits those who have weakness on this concern often go looking to allay their basic fear about being unattractive; hence DJ, JD, Cletus and/or Rhonda. That they concede control over their kids to their new paramour speaks volumes about how weak they are . . . and how willing they are to engage in emotionally and psychologically destructive behavior.
and that's just one of the reasons the Mommy preference in child custody decisions is wrong, wrong, wrong.
At the risk of overgeneralizing and being totally sexist, many women generally are more concerned and sensitive about their physical looks and sexual attractiveness than men are. When hubby splits those who have weakness on this concern often go looking to allay their basic fear about being unattractive; hence DJ, JD, Cletus and/or Rhonda. That they concede control over their kids to their new paramour speaks volumes about how weak they are . . . and how willing they are to engage in emotionally and psychologically destructive behavior.
VanPastorMan
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The question is why it's unhappy and if it's fixable. My point is that it's
a lot better to fix a marriage than to enter into another one. The statistics say second marriage divorce at a higher rate than first ones. The answer in most cases is not to leave,but to learn how to love your current spouse. I hope the best for Donger,no matter what happens. It's not all up to him. His wife has a say in this too. But if both are willing to put in the work and love each other by choice instead of just relying on feelings, then I believe the feelings can return.
a lot better to fix a marriage than to enter into another one. The statistics say second marriage divorce at a higher rate than first ones. The answer in most cases is not to leave,but to learn how to love your current spouse. I hope the best for Donger,no matter what happens. It's not all up to him. His wife has a say in this too. But if both are willing to put in the work and love each other by choice instead of just relying on feelings, then I believe the feelings can return.
Not true - at least not in my experience.
my alone time was filled and pretty damn quickly, but then again, I also had full custody of the children. My friends all hated my ex, vehemently, so with her gone, they came out of the woodwork, and so did my former exes.. I even started playing and gigging again after stopping for 10 years and that's when my boy also started playing.
As far as the children, they were far happier living in a quiet less dramatic atmosphere.(they had never experienced quiet at home, because their Mother was a drama queen of the loudest proportion). they were also happier because I was much happier. So the worry about what's best for them wasn't what most say it is. They are as concerned for you as you are them and wnat the same thing. Children adapt far quicker than adults and they understand far more than we ever give them credit for.
Between my children, friends I hadn't seen , my close friends, and constant whoring. I actually had far less alone time after .. far far less. It wore me out. I was always busy. I didn't settle down one bit until I met my current.
If I had to do it all over again, I would have split with her five years earlier. It was a bad beat, and the correct play was fold. I just couldn't let go because I was worried about the children. They both, with earnest sincerity, told me they were much much happier after.
That helped my transition drastically because everyone said "worry about the children" "take care of the children" "their world is falling apart" and I did. None of it was true. The children were surprising. They were wiser, and more adaptable than you would ever expect. Communication and brutal honesty is the best thing when concerning them.
Most people don't even ask the kids what they think. they instead hide things from them and tell them baby truths to protect them. They know what's going on. The baby truths are insulting to them and are probably more concerning than the break up itself. People would be amazed if they only ask and communicate.
Life is too short to choose to be in misery....
my alone time was filled and pretty damn quickly, but then again, I also had full custody of the children. My friends all hated my ex, vehemently, so with her gone, they came out of the woodwork, and so did my former exes.. I even started playing and gigging again after stopping for 10 years and that's when my boy also started playing.
As far as the children, they were far happier living in a quiet less dramatic atmosphere.(they had never experienced quiet at home, because their Mother was a drama queen of the loudest proportion). they were also happier because I was much happier. So the worry about what's best for them wasn't what most say it is. They are as concerned for you as you are them and wnat the same thing. Children adapt far quicker than adults and they understand far more than we ever give them credit for.
Between my children, friends I hadn't seen , my close friends, and constant whoring. I actually had far less alone time after .. far far less. It wore me out. I was always busy. I didn't settle down one bit until I met my current.
If I had to do it all over again, I would have split with her five years earlier. It was a bad beat, and the correct play was fold. I just couldn't let go because I was worried about the children. They both, with earnest sincerity, told me they were much much happier after.
That helped my transition drastically because everyone said "worry about the children" "take care of the children" "their world is falling apart" and I did. None of it was true. The children were surprising. They were wiser, and more adaptable than you would ever expect. Communication and brutal honesty is the best thing when concerning them.
Most people don't even ask the kids what they think. they instead hide things from them and tell them baby truths to protect them. They know what's going on. The baby truths are insulting to them and are probably more concerning than the break up itself. People would be amazed if they only ask and communicate.
Life is too short to choose to be in misery....
Sure...
But not every ex is a bat out of hell. From the tone of Donger's post there is no indication that this is a house with constant shouting matches.
But not every ex is a bat out of hell. From the tone of Donger's post there is no indication that this is a house with constant shouting matches.
Do I have to put a disclaimer stating ..
"every situation is different" or can I just assume most of you have reasoning ability?
Disclaimers as such only clog up conversation and since this isn't the free board..
well ...
"every situation is different" or can I just assume most of you have reasoning ability?
Disclaimers as such only clog up conversation and since this isn't the free board..
well ...
#1 you've never been married. #2 you don't have kids..
so .................
though I agree with your final sentence, the first one is lacking and severely.
so .................
though I agree with your final sentence, the first one is lacking and severely.
2nd marriages are far less likely to result in children.
And far more likely to involve children from a previous marriage. Not surprising that there is less incentive to stay together.
And far more likely to involve children from a previous marriage. Not surprising that there is less incentive to stay together.
I won't be getting remarried anytime soon...
Been in therapy by myself for almost two years. Been trying to get the wife to go for over 18 months. Therapist said she needed to go by herself first, then he would do joint. She has resisted. Only after all this time, when I had already made my decision, did she request joint counseling. She still refuses to go to one on one therapist counseling, saying her work schedule precludes her from going.
FYI, my therapist has absolutely resisted joint counseling for us until she decides to go one on one with a counselor. She refuses to do that. He says that until she can work through her problems, the relationship has to wait.
Believe me, I have been pondering, thinking, worrying, and contemplating for over a year. This is not a snap decision.
I have tried to be open with my wife, explaining my unhappiness, but she seems to want to turn a blind eye and pretend that everything is good. It's frustrating.
Posted from Rivals Mobile
Been in therapy by myself for almost two years. Been trying to get the wife to go for over 18 months. Therapist said she needed to go by herself first, then he would do joint. She has resisted. Only after all this time, when I had already made my decision, did she request joint counseling. She still refuses to go to one on one therapist counseling, saying her work schedule precludes her from going.
FYI, my therapist has absolutely resisted joint counseling for us until she decides to go one on one with a counselor. She refuses to do that. He says that until she can work through her problems, the relationship has to wait.
Believe me, I have been pondering, thinking, worrying, and contemplating for over a year. This is not a snap decision.
I have tried to be open with my wife, explaining my unhappiness, but she seems to want to turn a blind eye and pretend that everything is good. It's frustrating.
Posted from Rivals Mobile
No shouting matches, just quiet misery...
kids are picking up on the unhappiness. There is no attraction anymore, we are just different people.
kids are picking up on the unhappiness. There is no attraction anymore, we are just different people.
This is my goal and the path I plan to follow.
My happiness and the kids well being are all I care about at the moment.
My happiness and the kids well being are all I care about at the moment.
Rough Stuff - Best Wishes
I'm reluctant to insert an OTF-ish response, but it would involve trains, drinking, trucks, prison, mothers, and stuff like that.
If you want advice - ask. I have opinions about EVERYTHING.
The worst news is that Brooke Burke is not gonna walk through that door (just in case that changes your mind).
I'm reluctant to insert an OTF-ish response, but it would involve trains, drinking, trucks, prison, mothers, and stuff like that.
If you want advice - ask. I have opinions about EVERYTHING.
The worst news is that Brooke Burke is not gonna walk through that door (just in case that changes your mind).
Everyone will be fine. Kids are not happy as the house
has become a den of misery for both of us. I haven't cheated on her, nor would I ever. And the one thing I wanted to be was open with her. I could have cheated, called a lawyer and ended it, or just walked away, but I chose to talk to her, and after over a year of constantly thinking about it and talking with her, I decided to leave the marriage. The kids want happy parents.
has become a den of misery for both of us. I haven't cheated on her, nor would I ever. And the one thing I wanted to be was open with her. I could have cheated, called a lawyer and ended it, or just walked away, but I chose to talk to her, and after over a year of constantly thinking about it and talking with her, I decided to leave the marriage. The kids want happy parents.
Actually, it's just the opposite....
their mother does not see her parents, and they are very distant from my wife's family. My family is very close knit, and the kids will have tons of support from me and all of my family.
their mother does not see her parents, and they are very distant from my wife's family. My family is very close knit, and the kids will have tons of support from me and all of my family.
I am keeping the house, as she hates it, and she is moving out....
We both want a fresh start, and we both need to find ourselves. We don't love ourselves, so it was very difficult to love each other. I continue to push her to go to counseling, however, she refuses, so I am left with having to fend for myself. I have been doing a ton of thinking, heavy lifting trying to get her out of her funk for over 3 years now, and I am just tired. I need to address my happiness, and with my happiness. The kids are my top priority. If I can end the misery that we all are in, everyone will be happier in the long run.
We both want a fresh start, and we both need to find ourselves. We don't love ourselves, so it was very difficult to love each other. I continue to push her to go to counseling, however, she refuses, so I am left with having to fend for myself. I have been doing a ton of thinking, heavy lifting trying to get her out of her funk for over 3 years now, and I am just tired. I need to address my happiness, and with my happiness. The kids are my top priority. If I can end the misery that we all are in, everyone will be happier in the long run.
Thanks my friend.
Not looking for any replacement. Just some time to myself and my kids. I need to rediscover my life.
Not looking for any replacement. Just some time to myself and my kids. I need to rediscover my life.
Had to check thread view to make sure this wasn't a response to my po
Glad you won't be needing the Pastor's conversion therapy.
Seriously tho, good luck bro.
Posted from Rivals Mobile
Glad you won't be needing the Pastor's conversion therapy.
Seriously tho, good luck bro.
Posted from Rivals Mobile
Thank you my friend.
That is my plan moving forward. The kids need to know that they are loved, and they are. But everyone here is stuck in a cesspool of unhappiness, and I needed out. I owe it to myself and my kids.
That is my plan moving forward. The kids need to know that they are loved, and they are. But everyone here is stuck in a cesspool of unhappiness, and I needed out. I owe it to myself and my kids.
It's worse than that .. I blame my testes ..
they released the retardation chemical. She had traits I would never accept from friends but I was too dumbed down by the male retardation chemical to see them. I've gotten wiser.
they released the retardation chemical. She had traits I would never accept from friends but I was too dumbed down by the male retardation chemical to see them. I've gotten wiser.
Gotcha . . .
I suspect that you and yours are gonna be fine. God bless and God speed to all of you, sir.
Let us know if we need to have an AOTF meeting sometime at Nicks or someplace closer to your home . . . you might find a lot of company, current or past, and that can be a good thing . . . and if not that, it might be just a plain ol' good time. Nothin' wrong with that . . . .
I suspect that you and yours are gonna be fine. God bless and God speed to all of you, sir.
Let us know if we need to have an AOTF meeting sometime at Nicks or someplace closer to your home . . . you might find a lot of company, current or past, and that can be a good thing . . . and if not that, it might be just a plain ol' good time. Nothin' wrong with that . . . .
How can I judge you? Let me count the ways...
actually, I don't. And I won't.
You've just made the hardest call you've ever had to make - it clearly wasn't made in haste, and it wasn't easy. I wish you the best. Good luck, and I think TMP/BIO/GUYPHUCKESHIMSELF is probably right on this - talk to your kids, and all will work out in the long run.
Not the album by the Eagles - that album sucked.
actually, I don't. And I won't.
You've just made the hardest call you've ever had to make - it clearly wasn't made in haste, and it wasn't easy. I wish you the best. Good luck, and I think TMP/BIO/GUYPHUCKESHIMSELF is probably right on this - talk to your kids, and all will work out in the long run.
Not the album by the Eagles - that album sucked.
If my wife and I ever get divorced, it will be her decision and
not mine. We have been married for over 38 years and my wife is so patient with me and my many quirks.
We have known each other since I was seven and she was five because we went to the same church. We started dating in April, 1971 and got married in August, 1976. Because we had known each other since we were young children and we dated for over five years, there were no skeletons in our closets.
I have never cheated on my wife and my wife has never cheated on me. We also trust each other when it comes to our finances. In fact, she takes care of all of our bills and investments.
Why am I telling you all of this? It isn't with the intention of rubbing it in. My suggestion is you begin going to church--if you're not already doing so. Don't pick up a woman at a bar or over the internet. After you and your children have had enough time to recover from the divorce, try to begin dating someone you know and trust. Hopefully, it will be somebody from your church.
This post was edited on 3/1 1:31 PM by McNutt76
not mine. We have been married for over 38 years and my wife is so patient with me and my many quirks.
We have known each other since I was seven and she was five because we went to the same church. We started dating in April, 1971 and got married in August, 1976. Because we had known each other since we were young children and we dated for over five years, there were no skeletons in our closets.
I have never cheated on my wife and my wife has never cheated on me. We also trust each other when it comes to our finances. In fact, she takes care of all of our bills and investments.
Why am I telling you all of this? It isn't with the intention of rubbing it in. My suggestion is you begin going to church--if you're not already doing so. Don't pick up a woman at a bar or over the internet. After you and your children have had enough time to recover from the divorce, try to begin dating someone you know and trust. Hopefully, it will be somebody from your church.
This post was edited on 3/1 1:31 PM by McNutt76
As someone who saw something like this from the outside in...
The ex-GF left her husband. Not as cleanly as you're portraying it, but they did quickly agree to a no-context divorce that became final after 60 days. THAT was the easy part.
She wasn't naive about it when I told her it would not get easy just because the act of the divorce was somewhat seamless, but it lasted for nearly five years, including into his engagement and subsequent remarriage. It was to the point, given in part too to where she lived, that I was extremely resistant of relocating where she lived. The drama never seemed to end, and while a vast majority of the time she wasn't the instigator, it impacted her just about every time.
I think she became frustrated with me because I didn't ask her to marry me, and he seemingly moved on more quickly. He is a bitter, jackass of a man, and a Bible thumping hypocrite. I'll be curious to see how long he stays married. He won't be the one who leaves. He'll just make his new wife's life miserable, and it will be up to her to when it ends. My ex-GF lasted 10 years longer than she really wanted to, and in a way we would've never dated had she left sooner. However, the residual relationship just wore on me. Had she been able to come 'here' to get distance from it, we'd be together. I'm convinced of that.
The point though is I hope it goes smoothly for you and you get out of it what you want. It won't likely be "talk openly, no anger, just spill it out and sort through it". Of course, if neither of you are bitter jackasses you might be OK.
The ex-GF left her husband. Not as cleanly as you're portraying it, but they did quickly agree to a no-context divorce that became final after 60 days. THAT was the easy part.
She wasn't naive about it when I told her it would not get easy just because the act of the divorce was somewhat seamless, but it lasted for nearly five years, including into his engagement and subsequent remarriage. It was to the point, given in part too to where she lived, that I was extremely resistant of relocating where she lived. The drama never seemed to end, and while a vast majority of the time she wasn't the instigator, it impacted her just about every time.
I think she became frustrated with me because I didn't ask her to marry me, and he seemingly moved on more quickly. He is a bitter, jackass of a man, and a Bible thumping hypocrite. I'll be curious to see how long he stays married. He won't be the one who leaves. He'll just make his new wife's life miserable, and it will be up to her to when it ends. My ex-GF lasted 10 years longer than she really wanted to, and in a way we would've never dated had she left sooner. However, the residual relationship just wore on me. Had she been able to come 'here' to get distance from it, we'd be together. I'm convinced of that.
The point though is I hope it goes smoothly for you and you get out of it what you want. It won't likely be "talk openly, no anger, just spill it out and sort through it". Of course, if neither of you are bitter jackasses you might be OK.
Re: If my wife and I ever get divorced, it will be her decision and
On the other hand a good friend of mine's mother recently left her husband of 30+ years after having an affair with the married organist from...ready...HER CHURCH!
And Jesus wept.
You know what? I met my wife 24 years ago...IN A BAR! Married 22 years and all the things you gushed about in your marriage applies to mine as well. And even better. We don't even go to church or believe in god at all, at least not your god.
On the other hand a good friend of mine's mother recently left her husband of 30+ years after having an affair with the married organist from...ready...HER CHURCH!
And Jesus wept.
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