How do you teach your child about love? (Long, DFW-style)

[Hoopsdoc1978]

Shorter Doc: "I'm getting a beej this weekend."

As good as the “blackmailing cheating step mom” section is on pornhub(and it’s FANTASTIC), sometimes there’s no substitute for the real thing.

But it’s gonna cost me.

 

[snarlcakes]

I try to go the extra mile sometimes. My wife told me 3 weeks ago she’s really been craving a good steak but that she knew we couldn’t afford what she wanted.

I’ve been trying to save up money since then and tonight I asked her if she wanted to go out Saturday night to the restaurant of her choice.

She was delighted and she’s been trying to decide where she wants to go ever since.

Making her happy like that is what makes me happy.

And she’ll return the favor. She always does.

I think that type of effort and intuition about your partner is necessary if you want a really solid, lasting relationship.

I personally do the opposite of this dumbass 👇



Unfortunately, I get yelled out for owning more Bitcoin, which brings me to my overall point @BradStevens b#tches are crazy. There is no such thing as love, only pain 🥸

 

[WhyisIUBBcursed]

As good as the “blackmailing cheating step mom” section is on pornhub(and it’s FANTASTIC), sometimes there’s no substitute for the real thing.

But it’s gonna cost me.

I’ve never used that search term before. Tonight’s the night!!!

 

[WhyisIUBBcursed]

Probably telling. My “look. This thing ain’t gonna suck itself” probably wasn’t the romance she was looking for

Quit stealing my line. Young MA’s fall for that every time

 

[snarlcakes]

This sounds awful, but I told my daughter she should enjoy s*x and romance and that her partner should be willing to provide this without prompting.

We advised her that love should feel natural and that she should "know" her partner feels similary. She shouldn't have to hunt it down from them. And taht communication is the true essence of romance and love in general.

I’m going to be awful at this. Opposite direction for myself. I’m telling my daughter if you have sex before marriage you’ll probably get AIDs. When she googles it and tells me I’m wrong, I’ll tell her the truth then. No dude likes a hoe longer than a nut, honey. Now wait until you’re married.

 

[Digressions]

Maybe I have an abnormal peer group, but the state of my marriage isn't that different from those I know. I'm just open and honest about it, which is easy to do on an anonymous message board. But I'm not looking for advice or sympathy there.

I was looking for discussions about how to pass on knowledge from parent to child about romantic love, what to look out for, what to focus on with boyfriends and girlfriends, attitudes towards lifetime partnership, etc. It seems people (men?) are uncomfortable with the topic, or maybe recognize the same failures on their own part to not really talk about these things with their kids. That's the norm in our culture, I'd bet. Maybe we don't think we have anything meaningful to impart; maybe we're just too embarrassed to talk about it.

Weird, though, that no one has attempted an actual response other than CoHoosier. I'd guess that if I had asked a question like "How are you or did you teach your kids about money, investing, career, etc." we'd get plenty of posts, and some of them very detailed, or at least a lot of responses about what should be told. But when it comes to something most of us consider vastly more important, we are silent (me, too, obviously). I'm curious about that. Wonder if women have different ideas on this. And if we are outsourcing these important discussions about love to the mothers, are our kids getting a full picture?

And CO is correct. Modeling is the best chance to teach your children about relationships.

Everyone should study attachment theory. Understanding the "why" is an important part of avoiding pitfalls. Attraction and healthy are often negatively correlated.

 

[Digressions]

Probably telling. My “look. This thing ain’t gonna suck itself” probably wasn’t the romance she was looking for

Try-"Hey, cutie, do you know the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?... I wouldn't let a garbanzo bean on my face."

Literally has never failed.

Edit: Now that I think about it, that line is probably why I now know so much about attachment theory. Full circle in two posts, Brad.

 

[Willdog7]

After listening (1) to this song that popped into my head,

View embedded media

the glorious Spotify algorithm played this one next

View embedded media

One is about true love, the other about death. But this line in Avett Brothers hits me hard:

Will I join with the ocean blue?
Or run into a savior true?
And shake hands laughing
And walk through the night, straight to the light
Holding the love I've known in my life
And no hard feelings

Are death and love interwined in some way? (2) I don't know. But the emotions generated by songs about them move me, maybe not in the same way, but here I find them linked--maybe by the Beauty (capitalized for a reason) of the song. I'm moved every time I hear it (and the music video I find just as powerful).

To the point of the post title, though, both songs made me think about how to teach my children about love. I have failed as a parent in this area, and it's probably too late: daughter is nearly 17 and son is 14. Like most things, I suspect this must be inculcated at a young age, and that depresses me to no end because I'm sure my marriage is not a loving one and that is the model they have witnessed and lived in for their entire lives.

But the Avett Brothers line reminded me, love takes many forms. Romantic love with a partner isn't everything--even if at times in my life I thought it was the most important thing there is, which the first song always exemplified for me. At this stage, in fact, I can imagine no greater love than a parent for their child. (3)

So there are many forms of love. Many types that my children hopefully will experience, but that it might be helpful to have some tips on, advice for things to avoid or to look out for, to navigate around or to push right through. (4) Here, I've had a lot of experience and feel as if I could provide some rough guidance. I'm starting to imagine ways to talk to my kids about this. Part of me wishes I could just mainline these two songs into my kids' (and my wife's) psyche, just feed them the emotions I feel when I listen to them, have them experience the same, and just know--both that part of me that feels these things and what I think the songs' meanings are. Language, after all, has its limits.

Obviously, even thinking about how or whether to communicate these things feels awkward--for them and me. Weirder still, as I imagine it, I'm sure my wife might have a vastly different perspective. And I have no example to refer to: like most here, I'm a solid Midwesterner whose parents would never have even thought about talking about this (or like this) with me.

So some questions for discussion, for a sampling of perspectives from different people, and maybe for me and others to learn from:

For parents of adult children, did you do this with your children? How do you think about these issues? Do you think your kids have similar views on love--romantic or otherwise--as you do? Do you want them to? Does that make you feel a certain way?

For the parents with young children, same questions and an additional one: is this something you've thought about or do? If so, how?

For everyone, what do you think is the best way to go about this?


*****************

Footnotes (I put these in to improve the flow above and for some reason don't want to delete the content. Ignore if you wish):

(1) For a multimedia experience, feel free to read this while listening or listen first to set the mood.

(2) This is an interesting article, but I'm not sure I agree with it. https://emergencemagazine.org/essay/on-death-and-love/

(3) This might not be universal, I think. Some people might not experience this in the same way given a bad hand being dealt, like a severely troubled child from a young age. I was making small talk with a lawyer I was networking with last year, and brought up my kids and asked if he had any. He told me the story of adopting, along with his partner (gay couple) two children from Russia and their severe mental and developmental issues discovered later. He was clearly torn by the experience and I think about him to this day. For a pretty powerful single episode of TV about this, check out Episode 7 of the Romanoffs, the Amazon series Matthew Weiner did after Mad Men.

(4) There are downsides to love: https://www.psypost.org/loves-downside-research-identifies-major-disadvantages-of-romantic-partnerships/#:~:text=The most significant factors included,critical disadvantages compared to men.

YOU show them first off with loving parents.

 

[Willdog7]

So lars, really basic question: how did you broach that subject with your daughter? Was it planned? Did you know what you were going to say going into it? How did she react--embarrassed, disengaged, interested?

I think it's awesome that you talked that way with her and were open and honest. Not awful at all.

Re menopause, buy her one of these:

https://coldest.com/products/coldest-ice-vest?currency=USD&variant=44797791895784&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Google%20Shopping&stkn=ebfaf447682d

You teach your daughters how a man is supposed to behave, keyword a man.

 

[VanPastorMan]

After listening (1) to this song that popped into my head,

View embedded media

the glorious Spotify algorithm played this one next

View embedded media

One is about true love, the other about death. But this line in Avett Brothers hits me hard:

Will I join with the ocean blue?
Or run into a savior true?
And shake hands laughing
And walk through the night, straight to the light
Holding the love I've known in my life
And no hard feelings

Are death and love interwined in some way? (2) I don't know. But the emotions generated by songs about them move me, maybe not in the same way, but here I find them linked--maybe by the Beauty (capitalized for a reason) of the song. I'm moved every time I hear it (and the music video I find just as powerful).

To the point of the post title, though, both songs made me think about how to teach my children about love. I have failed as a parent in this area, and it's probably too late: daughter is nearly 17 and son is 14. Like most things, I suspect this must be inculcated at a young age, and that depresses me to no end because I'm sure my marriage is not a loving one and that is the model they have witnessed and lived in for their entire lives.

But the Avett Brothers line reminded me, love takes many forms. Romantic love with a partner isn't everything--even if at times in my life I thought it was the most important thing there is, which the first song always exemplified for me. At this stage, in fact, I can imagine no greater love than a parent for their child. (3)

So there are many forms of love. Many types that my children hopefully will experience, but that it might be helpful to have some tips on, advice for things to avoid or to look out for, to navigate around or to push right through. (4) Here, I've had a lot of experience and feel as if I could provide some rough guidance. I'm starting to imagine ways to talk to my kids about this. Part of me wishes I could just mainline these two songs into my kids' (and my wife's) psyche, just feed them the emotions I feel when I listen to them, have them experience the same, and just know--both that part of me that feels these things and what I think the songs' meanings are. Language, after all, has its limits.

Obviously, even thinking about how or whether to communicate these things feels awkward--for them and me. Weirder still, as I imagine it, I'm sure my wife might have a vastly different perspective. And I have no example to refer to: like most here, I'm a solid Midwesterner whose parents would never have even thought about talking about this (or like this) with me.

So some questions for discussion, for a sampling of perspectives from different people, and maybe for me and others to learn from:

For parents of adult children, did you do this with your children? How do you think about these issues? Do you think your kids have similar views on love--romantic or otherwise--as you do? Do you want them to? Does that make you feel a certain way?

For the parents with young children, same questions and an additional one: is this something you've thought about or do? If so, how?

For everyone, what do you think is the best way to go about this?


*****************

Footnotes (I put these in to improve the flow above and for some reason don't want to delete the content. Ignore if you wish):

(1) For a multimedia experience, feel free to read this while listening or listen first to set the mood.

(2) This is an interesting article, but I'm not sure I agree with it. https://emergencemagazine.org/essay/on-death-and-love/

(3) This might not be universal, I think. Some people might not experience this in the same way given a bad hand being dealt, like a severely troubled child from a young age. I was making small talk with a lawyer I was networking with last year, and brought up my kids and asked if he had any. He told me the story of adopting, along with his partner (gay couple) two children from Russia and their severe mental and developmental issues discovered later. He was clearly torn by the experience and I think about him to this day. For a pretty powerful single episode of TV about this, check out Episode 7 of the Romanoffs, the Amazon series Matthew Weiner did after Mad Men.

(4) There are downsides to love: https://www.psypost.org/loves-downside-research-identifies-major-disadvantages-of-romantic-partnerships/#:~:text=The most significant factors included,critical disadvantages compared to men.

The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman (Moody Bible Institute Grad btw) is a book I use for pre marital counseling. Dr. Chapman hits it out of the park. The general principle is that we all experience love differently. So the key to a healthy marriage is finding the love language of your spouse and then loving them in this way. For instance my wife shows her love by doing acts of service. So one of the things I do is I make her tea for her. I don't drink it. She does. But I make it for her. My oldest grandson asked me what I was doing and I told him that I am making Grandma's tea. He asked me why I made it because he doesn't see me drink it. I said, "because I love her". So he is getting the idea by just seeing it on display.

 

[Baller23Boogie]

Probably telling. My “look. This thing ain’t gonna suck itself” probably wasn’t the romance she was looking for

You should try the cheesecake method.

 

[jet812]

A few thoughts:

Don’t overthink it

Show the kids how much you love and respect their mother

Say “I love you”

The rest will take care of itself.

My cousin is a priest. At a mass celebrating his parents’ 50th wedding anniversary his homily touched on many things about their marriage & his upbringing but the thing that really got me was him saying that he never saw his dad disrespect his mom. I could feel my face redden with shame, as I have not always taken care to lead by example(snide remarks, making my irritation & annoyances obvious, etc). My parents were terrific at this as well though, so the sample doesn’t always get picked up on. I have tried to focus a lot on getting my son comfortable speaking openly about ANYTHING, as I feel like that is the biggest key to a successful relationship. That was not how it was for me growing up, & causes most of the issues in my marriage today. If we could only clear the air about more, it would eliminate the resentments & grudges that can build up over time…

 

[kraft cheese+macaroni]

The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman (Moody Bible Institute Grad btw) is a book I use for pre marital counseling. Dr. Chapman hits it out of the park. The general principle is that we all experience love differently. So the key to a healthy marriage is finding the love language of your spouse and then loving them in this way. For instance my wife shows her love by doing acts of service. So one of the things I do is I make her tea for her. I don't drink it. She does. But I make it for her. My oldest grandson asked me what I was doing and I told him that I am making Grandma's tea. He asked me why I made it because he doesn't see me drink it. I said, "because I love her". So he is getting the idea by just seeing it on display.

The love languages are bunk

 

[CO. Hoosier]

So lars, really basic question: how did you broach that subject with your daughter? Was it planned? Did you know what you were going to say going into it? How did she react--embarrassed, disengaged, interested?

I think it's awesome that you talked that way with her and were open and honest. Not awful at all.

Re menopause, buy her one of these:

https://coldest.com/products/coldest-ice-vest?currency=USD&variant=44797791895784&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Google%20Shopping&stkn=ebfaf447682d

and get one for yourself if you get hormone shots for prostate cancer.

 

[BradStevens]

The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman (Moody Bible Institute Grad btw) is a book I use for pre marital counseling. Dr. Chapman hits it out of the park. The general principle is that we all experience love differently. So the key to a healthy marriage is finding the love language of your spouse and then loving them in this way. For instance my wife shows her love by doing acts of service. So one of the things I do is I make her tea for her. I don't drink it. She does. But I make it for her. My oldest grandson asked me what I was doing and I told him that I am making Grandma's tea. He asked me why I made it because he doesn't see me drink it. I said, "because I love her". So he is getting the idea by just seeing it on display.

Did you talk about that book with your kids?

 

[BradStevens]

My cousin is a priest. At a mass celebrating his parents’ 50th wedding anniversary his homily touched on many things about their marriage & his upbringing but the thing that really got me was him saying that he never saw his dad disrespect his mom. I could feel my face redden with shame, as I have not always taken care to lead by example(snide remarks, making my irritation & annoyances obvious, etc). My parents were terrific at this as well though, so the sample doesn’t always get picked up on. I have tried to focus a lot on getting my son comfortable speaking openly about ANYTHING, as I feel like that is the biggest key to a successful relationship. That was not how it was for me growing up, & causes most of the issues in my marriage today. If we could only clear the air about more, it would eliminate the resentments & grudges that can build up over time…

Good stuff. Thanks for sharing. I know where you’re coming from here.

 

[BradStevens]

The love languages are bunk

I think there is some truth in there. Tying it to the modeling theory, one might pick up on how to love unconsciously by viewing one’s parents and how they interact and then that underlies your reactions to things in a relationship. Different parental relational habits translate into “languages,” which is just a simplifying pedagogical metaphor.

 

[ChicagoFineForNow]

Love is overrated. What is love really? But a secondhand emotion?

 

[Harry Hondo]

Love is overrated. What is love really? But a secondhand emotion?

I’ve been through diamonds, I’ve been through minks, I’ve been through it all.. Love Stinks!