Maybe this was a good day?
Sorry guys, I just finished writing this, I know there’s typos and all kind of mistakes but I’m emotionally spent. Maybe tomorrow I can come back and clean it up. By the way it’s way to Long, but I own it all.
It seems a good or bad day really is determined by who you ask. In fact years ago I’m not really sure what I would have said but it certainly wouldn’t have been good. How bad, that I’m not sure. Today, I know it’s not all bad, because there was a beginning, middle and end sprinkled with a little bit of both. I woke up and took my 2nd dose of prednisone which is known to make some people nuts even if they’re completely normal by all accounts. I’m two weeks tomorrow removed from my neck surgery to fix my (I’m pausing here for a moment, how long I don’t know because I can’t remember what my surgery was fixing other than it was my neck). I’m sure it will come to me at some point but I don’t know when. More about that later if I don’t forget. So I wake up at my brothers house since I’m still separated from my wife, but that’s getting better! More about that later too. I take my prednisone for the pain I’ve only begun to have after maybe the 10th day after surgery. Even after day 2 I felt ready to jump around, I could talk maybe even sing (mind you I just had the front of my throat cut open, the vocal chords moved to the side so they could get to my C5/C6 and fuse it together, ahaha! That’s after they cleaned it up and pushed my disc back in place and plated it together. It was a pinched nerve in my neck that had been causing my right arm tingling mostly in the deltoid muscle. In fact if I layed on the floor with my trainer and he gave me a bar with 100+ lbs and I’m just using my biceps/triceps, no problems. If you give me a plate of spaghetti and ask me to twirl it, I’m tired after a few minutes. Seems *ucked up! I apologize in advance or maybe I should have done so that my memory is a little off right now and I’m a bit spacy. Yes, so the prednisone I’m on can make you feel kinda weird. Some of you may attest to this. I’m also on my bipolar med Depakote which of lately I’ve been questioning whether it’s helping/hurting or just needs redosing. So I get to my kids house and wish everyone including my wife a wonderful morning. The wife and I are getting along much better! That’s a great thing!! We’ve gone on 3 dates and went back to counseling at my request when I told her I was ready to start working on us again, not just me. This is and was the truth. I’ve been making French Toast for my kids for many years for breakfast so it’s a joy just to have a something in my life that feels so normal. Perhaps you should consider what that is in your life and take it away for just a moment. Don’t ever let that happen. I mean it. Some of you know this. So, after breakfast I stay at the house to work on some things that need to get done. I don’t always hang at their house because my oldest daughter who’s 17 and a senior has had a tough time being around me. We’re working on it, but it will take some time. Since she led freshman orientation today I took the chance to stick around with the other two girls. I think it was the prednisone because I was doing this and doing that, I was super efficient. Only once before had I taken it and I swear all the to do items we had been talking about for the past 10 years were almost completed in 4-5 days. And then I got a call from my accountant, in fact I had called him last Friday and left a message. I had to ask him embarrassingly what message I had left. I eventually remembered with a little help.
My next call was from my Psychiatrist office. She was calling me back from last Tuesday. I totally couldn’t recall what that was about. I started to remember a little as she led in….it was about my memory. I called her about my sucking memory wondering if this could be the psych meds, the narcs from the surgery (not Prednisone at this point) or something else? That call last Tuesday was very saddening for me. I was with my brother who is fine but has no clue when someone is upset or doesn’t give a *****. After leaving my message for Psych office, I had nobody else I felt comfortable calling. I didn’t want to bother my wife in the middle of clinic and all my other associates I speak to come from dark places based on 40 years of trauma I’ve lived and suffered through. Don’t worry, nothing illegal! Just lots of people that can empathize with your pain. You get stuck looking for these people because they too hold secrets and understand you without judgment. So with nobody to call at the moment I’m with my brother grabbing a cup of coffee at this cool new place in the Stutz Building bottom floor. Every cup is a pour over, dyor please, but trust me it’s nerdy good. So we’re having coffee, and I excuse myself to make a call outside because I had just started playing google doc and read that memory loss can be attributed to a number of things (duh) but highly mentioned were poor sleep (I have sleep apnea and am non compliant), mood disorders (no comment needed), and **** if I can remember what else I read but it applied to me. So I’m making my self help calls about my memory and have to leave a message and just start crying. Just a few tears but then you know how things can just take off. So I’m trying to figure out who I can call or text. I end of texting an ex girlfriend and start by saying “Please don’t write me back, I just need you to listen”. And that’s exactly what I did. I didn’t stop crying right away but it sure damn helped. I later told my wife about that and she believed me and I promised her I even saved the text for her to read. She just suggested I find some new positive people for my network of friend and or family when there’s a shit show or I just want a fun conversation. I totally agree. In fact after that Tuesday I came up with Three to do item: 1) Improve my sleep by being more complaint with my CPAP machine, 2) Improve my network of friends, 3) and hold **** I had forgotten this last one all day except for this morning when the Psych office called me and I told her these three items. I tried to recall #3 two other times and came up blank……ummm….I think it was find positive coping skills which sounds similar to finding positive people in my life but slightly different. When I can’t always rely on someone I need to rely on myself to find new skills. I gone 40 years also of having negative coping skills, that must all change. Some patients use cognitive therapy, which I use as well as most, but I’m actively looking for an adult DBT group that’s more skilled base. So those are my three items on me. I told those to my psych office today when she finally called me back. The issue with that call as you might recall or not is how spacy I mentioned I had been today. I was losing memory even starting last week, but today I spacy even on a morning when I was more productive than normal. She called me and then I just sat there and spaced out and kinda lost my momentum. There was more I wanted to say to the Doctor tomorrow for my visit but I was afraid I might forget so I got onto my computer and just started typing away. It felt very much like my own Momento moment. Some of you will understand.
So my kid who’s not liking me right now who tried to kill herself this past spring just graduated her own DBT program tonight. I began the sessions with her but it was clear I couldn’t contribute and I was too traumatized and dealing with my own shit. So my wife took over for me. She started leaving clinic on Tuesdays 1.5 hours earlier just to be at DBT with our daughter. There has to be a parent. I never doubted she would do it, but as the stay at home parent it was always my job. My wife along with becoming supermom from the separation had become so much more. I was really proud of her too. So I had a dessert made to congratulate both my wife and daughter. I wanted them to both know how proud I was of their accomplishment. My daughter seems to be doing much better and my wife is enjoying this extra time with her kids. Ironically this mostly happens because of the separation. I had a choice to make though. I chose not to be there for the dinner following therapy. I’ve been invited by the family more often lately but I usually don’t come after their Tuesday nights. I chose to leave the dessert because I knew if I was there I’d most likely have my own breakdown and didn’t want to steal the attention. I did let my wife know I wanted to be there but didn’t want to be a distraction. I would have loved to been there…..
In the end I was preparing myself for some serious sulking behavior. I think women refer to it as “self care”, I believe men call it “letting go”. I was prepared to try out King Dough. I had heard about the place and since I was eating reasonably healthy and working out despite all, it was time for a whole pizza. Not sure what size I was up to anymore, but a pizza was on the agenda. And beer, maybe just one. I had given it up mostly since starting monjorno, but I’m off it now and down to a slender 173. And then I get a call from home. They had just eaten dinner, (oh I did help prepare that with the help of my daughter since I can only lift up to 10 lbs because of my surgery…I think I told you about it, but I can’t recall what it was for. The dessert had my oldest daughter crying and she wanted to talk to me. She said she loved me, still pissed but loved me…..I told her I loved her too. So I’m getting ready to order and they all ask where I’m at, I tell them I’m about to order my first pizza in a long ass time and a beer. They guilt me and say I’m getting fat again and need to stick to something healthier….who am I to argue with? So after I hang up, I order my food and take a picture of the menu to show them I’m at the pizza joint and when the food comes I send them a picture of a Greek salad with grilled chicken. Some days your girls know how to lift you up.
I know this is gone on a bit long (yea I know) but a few of you muther****ers said I could use this as a journal). There’s a part I Ieft out that’s not exactly happy, but true. I have a way of dealing with stress to make it manageable. I basically stick my head down a rabbit hole so I see, hear and forget all. I’m not sure even the date this happened as my head is already down the hole or up my ass, but one of my crypto wallets was hacked to the tune of over 140k. I don’t keep all my assets in the same place in case something like this ever happened. I was actually phished by being careless. It can happy to any of us and probably has. I accepted an airdrop of a new coin to my wallet and didn’t check the address it originated from. It was a total scam. It was completely my fault but I knew better. Before I could stop it all my assets from that wallet had been emptied within 5 minutes. Do I think crypto is not safe. It def has its learning curves even for a savvy owner of assets who thought he knew what he was doing. The question now is what do I do? I wrote the company that manages the wallets. They’re very big but said coins won’t be returned but they would like for me to file a report and contact local authorities. I’m afraid this could **** me with my wife. I mean telling her and being totally transparent is what I’ve been wanting all throughout our marriage, but this topic would be new. I also need to investigate if I can prove I was phished/hacked can I get some type of tax credit. I’m afraid to ask my account. Oh **** I think that’s the other thing I was thinking of talking to him about….maybe it’s a good thing I forgot.
For those of you that may be concerned about my well being I will say I’m not great, but I’m safe and have never tried to hurt myself or anyone else. I have only ever met one person from this site in over the 22 years or whatever it’s been. This person is still a part of the site and is amazing and checks up periodically on me. I’m sure he will read this as he always does and will check in on me. Probably tomorrow, but he’ll have to wait until after my 10:00am Psych appointment. Got that Ricky? Eh, trust me on this one.
