Worse than a fart in an elevator.
- Thread starter largemouth
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Let me turn this thread into something slightly different. In the middle of the night several nights ago, I was thinking back to some things involving my high school and college days, and busted out laughing when I thought about a couple of farting incidents.
The first one isn't so much an incident but a cumulative retrospective. A guy who went to high school with me had the unusual ability to almost belch or fart on demand. I can remember some parties and gatherings where he cleared out entire rooms with a fart. People heading for the Doors to get outside for fresh air with eyes watering as if a teargas canister went off.
The other two involve me as the gas passer. I was in the back of a packed station wagon with 8 other guys in the car as we were driving on the freeway through downtown Milwaukee when I cut a couple that smelled like going by the Sewage Plant when they are pumping and the Wind is from the wrong direction. All the Car windows are opening in 20 Degree Weather. If the Driver could have safely pulled over, I think he would have kicked me out.
When I was in Bloomington, a group of 6 of us went to Cincinnati Reds Opening Day. On the way back, we stopped at McDonald's to chow down. At the time, McDonalds was running some kind of Special on their Hamburgers and Cheeseburgers at maybe 25 cents a piece. Of course we loaded up. About 10 miles down the Road the McDonald's Effect hit, and I cut a couple of terrible farts. They couldn't get the windows down fast enough. One of the Guys rolled his Window down so hard and quickly that the old crank handle stripped and separated.
Anyone else out there have a warped sense of humor and want to own up to their handiwork? Don't Worry, the Statute of Limitations has undoubtedly expired for your act.
The first one isn't so much an incident but a cumulative retrospective. A guy who went to high school with me had the unusual ability to almost belch or fart on demand. I can remember some parties and gatherings where he cleared out entire rooms with a fart. People heading for the Doors to get outside for fresh air with eyes watering as if a teargas canister went off.
The other two involve me as the gas passer. I was in the back of a packed station wagon with 8 other guys in the car as we were driving on the freeway through downtown Milwaukee when I cut a couple that smelled like going by the Sewage Plant when they are pumping and the Wind is from the wrong direction. All the Car windows are opening in 20 Degree Weather. If the Driver could have safely pulled over, I think he would have kicked me out.
When I was in Bloomington, a group of 6 of us went to Cincinnati Reds Opening Day. On the way back, we stopped at McDonald's to chow down. At the time, McDonalds was running some kind of Special on their Hamburgers and Cheeseburgers at maybe 25 cents a piece. Of course we loaded up. About 10 miles down the Road the McDonald's Effect hit, and I cut a couple of terrible farts. They couldn't get the windows down fast enough. One of the Guys rolled his Window down so hard and quickly that the old crank handle stripped and separated.
Anyone else out there have a warped sense of humor and want to own up to their handiwork? Don't Worry, the Statute of Limitations has undoubtedly expired for your act.
When I was in junior high, I played on the basketball team all three years. We had the same coach for both our eighth and ninth grade years. He used to come back and sit with a friend of mine before asking him to fart. My buddy was the best at it in our school and he used to obey the coach. It was hilarious!
In my golf book that was published in 2014, I mentioned that the average person does it 14 times a day. When I mentioned it to one of my golf buddies, he said that wasn't correct. He then farted 15 or 20 times in about three holes' time. His father and another guy also were in our foursome. The four of us were laughing so hard, it was difficult to play decent golf.
I was out with several friends, several years ago, and we were at a bar. We had about 6 of us I think, and we were sitting at a table. Laughing, drinking, having a good time. It was a busy place and all the tables were occupied. I was just going with the flow, having a good time, and then suddenly felt one brewing deep in my bowels. I hadn't really been feeling any disturbance or otherwise didn't have any reason to suspect passing a fart right then and there would be problematic. So I let it rip, and continued on with the group convo we were having. A few seconds later, I still remember suddenly tensing up because the fumes had reached my nose and I instantly realized the gravity of what I had unleashed only seconds earlier. And I suddenly, instinctively, assumed the role of the guilty party who hoped not to be found out. It wasn't long until someone in our party commented. They said something to the effect of "Jesus, someone just shit their pants." Everyone else laughed, then one by one, it reached all their noses. And that instantly became the subject matter of the conversation. Everyone was practically gagging and in horror of how nasty it was.
And let me tell you - that was one nasty fart. "Fart" doesn't even really adequately do it justice. It was one of those that had been brewing for a while in the bowels. It had some evil combination of ingredients that had fermented into the most acrid smell imaginable. It was one of those that smelled worse than an actual bowel movement.
And I was practically panicking because I knew I was the source. But then one of the guys at the table let me off the hook. He laughed and blamed it on an older fat guy sitting at the table next to us. Everyone else joined in and started similarly laughing at that dude and how disgusting he was. I of course laughed along. I didn't join in the blame game, but went along with the party until it eventually blew over and we went back to our normal conversation.
And let me tell you - that was one nasty fart. "Fart" doesn't even really adequately do it justice. It was one of those that had been brewing for a while in the bowels. It had some evil combination of ingredients that had fermented into the most acrid smell imaginable. It was one of those that smelled worse than an actual bowel movement.
And I was practically panicking because I knew I was the source. But then one of the guys at the table let me off the hook. He laughed and blamed it on an older fat guy sitting at the table next to us. Everyone else joined in and started similarly laughing at that dude and how disgusting he was. I of course laughed along. I didn't join in the blame game, but went along with the party until it eventually blew over and we went back to our normal conversation.
What ever happened to the Days of He Who Smelt It dealt It?
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