HOF Class of 2005: BigRedSpec
Biography by HoosierPeach:
BRS was born in the jungle of the Amazon Basin to a baboon called Koko, and an American "explorer" (if "explorer"=exploring his urges toward various animals) named Biff. As a result of his unusual parentage, BRS, although genetically male, was born with fully lactating breasts. This was an advantage while living in the jungle, where food was scarce. In times of need, he was able to feed from himself.
As Biff and Koko's relationship deteriorated, BRS was often the pawn in their arguments, as each threatened to leave him with the other, a scary predicament for both parents. One day, Koko made good on her threat, leaving BRS under the haphazard supervision of Biff. Biff emigrated back to the States, where he purchased a small farm. BRS loved the rural life, especially raising the kittens which fed directly from his chest. At the age of 5, he started at the local podunk school, where he was alternately praised by his teachers and degraded by his classmates for his unusual features, as well as his manziere. (He needed the support!) Nonetheless, BRS was diligent in his studies, often hiding out in the library to avoid the taunting of his peers. At the age of 14, BRS was discovered to have a genius (or "genious" as some might say around here) IQ, but without the corresponding or even minimum level of social skills to appropriately interact with others. (BRS was fond of pulling up his shirt and manziere, shaking his moneymakers, while screeching, "Milk! It does a body good!") He was then placed in the school for the Gifted but Socially Retarded (or GibSoRe). He excelled there, and was subsequently admitted to Harvard, "where intelligence matters and people skills are negotiable." BRS loved Harvard, despite the fact that he fit in like OJ into his glove. Nonetheless, he racked up thousands of dollars of credit card debt to show his Harvard pride in the form of the sweatshirt. Multiple sweatshirts. Hundreds of sweatshirts.
In order to keep up with a grueling academic schedule, BRS found a new vice--the fountain Coke. The caffeine helped him to stay awake for study, and the sweet, sweet taste of the drink satisfied him as his own breast milk never had. With the caffeine buzz and the sweetness came an unfortunate side effect: explosive bowel movements. It was actually the love of fountain Cokes that stole our BRS from this earth. While in a frenzy to prepare for an interview, BRS ingested 12 44 oz. "Big Gulp" Cokes. To make matters worse, he followed the drinks with a large Kung Pao Chicken from the local Chinese vendor's trailer.
People who witnessed it describe it as "something that will be emblazoned in my memory forever" (tunk), "nice pants" (Uber), "the most horrifying thing I have ever witnessed" (HG), "get the #$%^ out of my way so I can ogle that teenager" (Aruss), "*sigh*" (CF), and "will you pass me the spliff already? I could go for some of that Kung Pao, man" ($$). I can only describe it as one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen. BRS exited his apartment, waddled to his Yugo, when a rumble like that of a Sumatran earthquake emitted from deep in his gut. Seconds later, BRS literally imploded, spraying the countryside with his considerable Coke-soaked debris.
Farewell to BRS, a moderately loathsome manboon with a proclivity toward poor hygiene. You will be sorely missed by all. Congratulations on your immortalization in the OTF Hall of Fame.
