After listening
(1) to this song that popped into my head,
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the glorious Spotify algorithm played this one next
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One is about true love, the other about death. But this line in Avett Brothers hits me hard:
Will I join with the ocean blue?
Or run into a savior true?
And shake hands laughing
And walk through the night, straight to the light
Holding the love I've known in my life
And no hard feelings
Are death and love interwined in some way?
(2) I don't know. But the emotions generated by songs about them move me, maybe not in the same way, but here I find them linked--maybe by the Beauty (capitalized for a reason) of the song. I'm moved every time I hear it (and the music video I find just as powerful).
To the point of the post title, though, both songs made me think about how to teach my children about love. I have failed as a parent in this area, and it's probably too late: daughter is nearly 17 and son is 14. Like most things, I suspect this must be inculcated at a young age, and that depresses me to no end because I'm sure my marriage is not a loving one and that is the model they have witnessed and lived in for their entire lives.
But the Avett Brothers line reminded me, love takes many forms. Romantic love with a partner isn't everything--even if at times in my life I thought it was the most important thing there is, which the first song always exemplified for me. At this stage, in fact, I can imagine no greater love than a parent for their child.
(3)
So there are many forms of love. Many types that my children hopefully will experience, but that it might be helpful to have some tips on, advice for things to avoid or to look out for, to navigate around or to push right through.
(4) Here, I've had a lot of experience and feel as if I could provide some rough guidance. I'm starting to imagine ways to talk to my kids about this. Part of me wishes I could just mainline these two songs into my kids' (and my wife's) psyche, just feed them the emotions I feel when I listen to them, have them experience the same, and just
know--both that part of me that feels these things and what I think the songs' meanings are. Language, after all, has its limits.
Obviously, even thinking about how or whether to communicate these things feels awkward--for them and me. Weirder still, as I imagine it, I'm sure my wife might have a vastly different perspective. And I have no example to refer to: like most here, I'm a solid Midwesterner whose parents would never have even thought about talking about this (or like this) with me.
So some questions for discussion, for a sampling of perspectives from different people, and maybe for me and others to learn from:
For parents of adult children, did you do this with your children? How do you think about these issues? Do you think your kids have similar views on love--romantic or otherwise--as you do? Do you want them to? Does that make you feel a certain way?
For the parents with young children, same questions and an additional one: is this something you've thought about or do? If so, how?
For everyone, what do you think is the best way to go about this?
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Footnotes (I put these in to improve the flow above and for some reason don't want to delete the content. Ignore if you wish):
(1) For a multimedia experience, feel free to read this while listening or listen first to set the mood.
(2) This is an interesting article, but I'm not sure I agree with it.
https://emergencemagazine.org/essay/on-death-and-love/
(3) This might not be universal, I think. Some people might not experience this in the same way given a bad hand being dealt, like a severely troubled child from a young age. I was making small talk with a lawyer I was networking with last year, and brought up my kids and asked if he had any. He told me the story of adopting, along with his partner (gay couple) two children from Russia and their severe mental and developmental issues discovered later. He was clearly torn by the experience and I think about him to this day. For a pretty powerful single episode of TV about this, check out Episode 7 of the Romanoffs, the Amazon series Matthew Weiner did after Mad Men.
(4) There are downsides to love:
https://www.psypost.org/loves-downside-research-identifies-major-disadvantages-of-romantic-partnerships/#:~:text=The most significant factors included,critical disadvantages compared to men.
