The stupid shit we do. A thread devoted to the stupid shit we do.

[Eppy99]

If you can't laugh at yourself then you're a deeply unhappy person.

1) As a kid I used to pretend I had a fake gun by using my finger. I would go up the steps of my house and very James Bond like look behind each door with my gun drawn. This was mostly because I often feared there were people hiding behind doors.
2) I used to put rubbing alcohol on my hands and light myself on fire.
3) Sometimes when I was hungry I would drink salad dressing right from the bottle.

And now....

1) When I floss I often give it a whiff to see how bad my breath is
2) I still laugh when I make stupid hand puppet shadows
3) I still think it's funny to leave a fart behind in an elevator

 

[bwcoach]

If you can't laugh at yourself then you're a deeply unhappy person.

1) As a kid I used to pretend I had a fake gun by using my finger. I would go up the steps of my house and very James Bond like look behind each door with my gun drawn. This was mostly because I often feared there were people hiding behind doors.
2) I used to put rubbing alcohol on my hands and light myself on fire.
3) Sometimes when I was hungry I would drink salad dressing right from the bottle.

And now....

1) When I floss I often give it a whiff to see how bad my breath is
2) I still laugh when I make stupid hand puppet shadows
3) I still think it's funny to leave a fart behind in an elevator

And now… No. 3 is what I think is funny to do but my wife thinks it’s childish. Probably is but it’s still funny.

 

[Eppy99]

And now… No. 3 is what I think is funny to do but my wife thinks it’s childish. Probably is but it’s still funny.

You're right she"s wrong and needs to pull the stick out of her ass.

 

[VanPastorMan]

If you can't laugh at yourself then you're a deeply unhappy person.

1) As a kid I used to pretend I had a fake gun by using my finger. I would go up the steps of my house and very James Bond like look behind each door with my gun drawn. This was mostly because I often feared there were people hiding behind doors.
2) I used to put rubbing alcohol on my hands and light myself on fire.
3) Sometimes when I was hungry I would drink salad dressing right from the bottle.

And now....

1) When I floss I often give it a whiff to see how bad my breath is
2) I still laugh when I make stupid hand puppet shadows
3) I still think it's funny to leave a fart behind in an elevator

When I make a grilled cheese sandwich I use a slice of american and a slice of swiss for the sandwich. I put two slices of bread butter side down on the grill. I always put the american slice on the left and the swiss on the right. One day I put it down the opposite and when I noticed I switched them back. After realizing I took the time to switch them I asked myself why? why? why?

 

[Eppy99]

When I make a grilled cheese sandwich I use a slice of american and a slice of swiss for the sandwich. I put two slices of bread butter side down on the grill. I always put the american slice on the left and the swiss on the right. One day I put it down the opposite and when I noticed I switched them back. After realizing I took the time to switch them I asked myself why? why? why?

Dude, that’s just OCD. You put your left leg in your pants before the right?

 

[hookyIU1990]

Big fan of crop dusting and the fart in the elevator is in the same ballpark.

I do too many stupid things to make a list. I wouldn't know how to even begin narrowing it down, so here's a couple from today.

Took a leak in the rose bushes this morning while drinking a cup of coffee and acting like I was watching something in the tree.

Did the old tap wifey on the right shoulder as I came up behind her on the left move.

 

[frikkenfrakken]

I robbed the liquor store AFTER I got an abortion today. Mixing it up.

But seriously, when I pump gas, I refuse to use the little lever to set the handle to pump. I must stand there and hold the handle all the way down with my hand. I think it's faster and I feel in control.

 

[hookyIU1990]

Sometimes when I was hungry I would drink salad dressing right from the bottle.

My brother still laughs about this one eppy. I come home liquored up one night. He says you smell like a brewery and mom is still awake. I then stumble over to the frig and proceed to pop the slotted top off a bottle of worcestershire sauce and suck down half the bottle while swishing it around like listerine.

 

[OpenWheels]

The elevator crop duster reminds me of taking my dog, a lab, into the feedstore with me as encouraged by their signs. I'd had some sort of intestinal bug for a couple of days I couldn't shake, not 'the runs' but passing gas often. Anyway I had one get away in the store, and as I'm thinking 'that's a lot of gas!' I also smelled it... Almost makes me proud to this day. My personal record.
I hustled away from there, and went down two aisles over. Fortunately the dog who was standing right next to me was interested in some bags of feed and stayed behind instead of following like usual.
I saw a very well dressed lady turn down the aisle I'd just exited, and about as she reached where my dog still was I heard a "Whew!" and saw her quickly turn around. She must have looked back at my dog three times with a 'that's incredible' look on her face.
So, if you're not feeling great, take your dog along as a wing man.

 

[abraxis]

And now… No. 3 is what I think is funny to do but my wife thinks it’s childish. Probably is but it’s still funny.

Farts make funny noises. I like funny noises. Funny noises make me giggle. Giggles expel happiness. Farts do, too.

 

[Eppy99]

Big fan of crop dusting and the fart in the elevator is in the same ballpark.

I do too many stupid things to make a list. I wouldn't know how to even begin narrowing it down, so here's a couple from today.

Took a leak in the rose bushes this morning while drinking a cup of coffee and acting like I was watching something in the tree.

Did the old tap wifey on the right shoulder as I came up behind her on the left move.

Pissing outside with the dog at 5:00am is an oldie but goodie.

 

[hookyIU1990]

Farts make funny noises. I like funny noises. Funny noises make me giggle. Giggles expel happiness. Farts do, too.

Beans beans
The musical fruit
The more you eat, the more you toot.
The more you toot, the better you feel
So let's have beans with every meal

 

[Eppy99]

I robbed the liquor store AFTER I got an abortion today. Mixing it up.

But seriously, when I pump gas, I refuse to use the little lever to set the handle to pump. I must stand there and hold the handle all the way down with my hand. I think it's faster and I feel in control.

Speaking of dumb and pumping gas, those fools who smoke while pumping gas are certainly not the brightest:

 

[All4You]

The elevator crop duster reminds me of taking my dog, a lab, into the feedstore and petshop with me as encouraged by their signs. I'd had some sort of intestinal bug for a couple of days I couldn't shake, not 'the runs' but passing gas often. Anyway I had one get away in the store, and as I'm thinking 'that's a lot of gas!' I also smelled it... Almost makes me proud to this day. My personal record.
I hustled away from there, and went down two aisles over. Fortunately the dog who was standing right next to me was interested in some bags of feed and stayed behind instead of following like usual.
I saw a very well dressed lady turn down the aisle I'd just exited, and about as she reached where my dog still was I heard a "Whew!" and saw her quickly turn around. She must have looked back at my dog three times with a 'that's incredible' look on her face.
So, if you're not feeling great, take your dog along as a wing man.

Heh, wife and I had a miniature Schnauzer who wasn't happy unless she slept between us on the bed at night. I'd say at least a few times a month for that dog's entire life I'd let one go at a distance that could be measured in inches from her, usually when she was sound asleep. That dog would jump up at least a foot in the air and upon landing sometimes bark but alway stare at me with disgust before heading down to the foot of the bed, flopping down and letting out a huff of exasperation. I miss that dog something fierce.

 

[abraxis]

I’ve recited in my head the same prayer my mom used to recite with me when she tucked me into bed… “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.” It’s like getting my ticket to Heaven punched every night. Or sure, I forget sometimes but am probably good with it 4 out of 5 nights. We’re probably talking 70 years of this nightly ritual. It’s worked so far. I can’t stop now.

Another oddity-I enjoy the smell of my own farts, seeking it out. I’ll fart in the middle of the night and always fluff the sheets to catch a whiff. Some can be unbelievably sour but I never flinch. Hey, it’s me and gives a jolt of warped satisfaction.

Another act is to cut a fart in my cupped hand, close my fist and then quickly carry the gaseous fume to my nose for a concentrated whiff, lingering in its captured essence.

My brother and I once watched my cousin cut 100 farts in a row. From a buns up and kneeling position he was able to take control of his anal sphincter and relax it enough to suck in air which he quickly expelled. He did this consecutively 100 times He was firing off 10-12/ min. and could have continued longer but we got bored.

 

[abraxis]

Beans beans
The musical fruit
The more you eat, the more you toot.
The more you toot, the better you feel
So let's have beans with every meal

Every child’s playground chant!

 

[OpenWheels]

I’ve recited in my head the same prayer my mom used to recite with me when she tucked me into bed… “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.” It’s like getting my ticket to Heaven punched every night. Or sure, I forget sometimes but am probably good with it 4 out of 5 nights. We’re probably talking 70 years of this nightly ritual. It’s worked so far. I can’t stop now.
...

Same one we said as kids. Although as teenagers me and a sister began emphasizing the line in spooky voices 'If I should DIE before I wake' . This was pre-Metallica. Didn't make our parents pleased when we did that.

We had a prayer at meals, and my Mom decided we'd been saying the same lone prayer for far too long so our task that week was each kid (six of us) to learn a new prayer to bring to the table and teach everybody else. Only my oldest sister did that. And from then on, whoever's turn it was to start the prayer would announce "old prayer' or 'new prayer' and begin and we'd join in. All of us kids if getting together still call them old or new prayer, 45 years later.

 

[VanPastorMan]

Dude, that’s just OCD. You put your left leg in your pants before the right?

Yes I do. But I am left handed.

 

[Eppy99]

I’ve recited in my head the same prayer my mom used to recite with me when she tucked me into bed… “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.” It’s like getting my ticket to Heaven punched every night. Or sure, I forget sometimes but am probably good with it 4 out of 5 nights. We’re probably talking 70 years of this nightly ritual. It’s worked so far. I can’t stop now.

Another oddity-I enjoy the smell of my own farts, seeking it out. I’ll fart in the middle of the night and always fluff the sheets to catch a whiff. Some can be unbelievably sour but I never flinch. Hey, it’s me and gives a jolt of warped satisfaction.

Another act is to cut a fart in my cupped hand, close my fist and then quickly carry the gaseous fume to my nose for a concentrated whiff, lingering in its captured essence.

My brother and I once watched my cousin cut 100 farts in a row. From a buns up and kneeling position he was able to take control of his anal sphincter and relax it enough to suck in air which he quickly expelled. He did this consecutively 100 times He was firing off 10-12/ min. and could have continued longer but we got bored.

I have no words.

 

[abraxis]

Same one we said as kids. Although as teenagers me and a sister began emphasizing the line in spooky voices 'If I should DIE before I wake' . This was pre-Metallica. Didn't make our parents pleased when we did that.

We had a prayer at meals, and my Mom decided we'd been saying the same lone prayer for far too long so our task that week was each kid (six of us) to learn a new prayer to bring to the table and teach everybody else. Only my oldest sister did that. And from then on, whoever's turn it was to start the prayer would announce "old prayer' or 'new prayer' and begin and we'd join in. All of us kids if getting together still call them old or new prayer, 45 years later.

Let me guess, “For all we eat, for all we wear, for all we have everywhere, we praise the Lord. Amen. “ When I was young, we repeated it as a family at every dinner time. It was succinct, yet effective in getting the message across to wear it needed to go.

 

[abraxis]

I have no words.

Mere words would not be enough.

 

[OpenWheels]

Let me guess, “For all we eat, for all we wear, for all we have everywhere, we praise the Lord. Amen. “ When I was young, we repeated it as a family at every dinner time. It was succinct, yet effective in getting the message across to wear it needed to go.

Old prayer was "God is great, God is good. And we thank him for our food. By his hand we all are fed. Give us Lord our daily bread." New prayer was 'Be present at our table Lord. Be here and everywhere adored. Thy children bless, and grant that we may feast in paradise with thee.'

 

[OpenWheels]

On topic a bit - for a couple years since Dad died, I've been switching days with a sister visiting Mom at dinner and helping her eat, at the nursing home. 3/4 days each week. (She's near where I work and pass by on the way home. ) Every time I walk by the dining area on the way to her room I always turn in and walk over to the far wall to see what the meal is on the little posted card. One day I laughed and mentioned to aides it was odd I always did this, since who cares knowing what the meal is ahead of time, I'll find out when it arrives. Since then I've found it almost impossible to not do that. I feel compelled. 'Turn right, walk over and read what the meal is, hi to staff, head to mom's room.'

 

[abraxis]

On topic a bit - for a couple years since Dad died, I've been switching days with a sister visiting Mom at dinner and helping her eat, at the nursing home. 3/4 days each week. (She's near where I work and pass by on the way home. ) Every time I walk by the dining area on the way to her room I always turn in and walk over to the far wall to see what the meal is on the little posted card. One day I laughed and mentioned to aides it was odd I always did this, since who cares knowing what the meal is ahead of time, I'll find out when it arrives. Since then I've found it almost impossible to not do that. I feel compelled. 'Turn right, walk over and read what the meal is, hi to staff, head to mom's room.'

In 1890, William James authored a book, The Principals of Psychology. Addressing the subject of habits in this book, he viewed habits as a natural tendency in order to navigate life. The next time you check out the menu as part of your visitation ritual, think to yourself, it’s a quirk that works. Now godspeed, good son, and may your journey through life continue to be filled with selfless deeds for others held dear. Mom appreciates your dedication more than you’ll ever know.

 

[VanPastorMan]

I have no words.

My uncle who graduated from IUs Geology school used to as a kid put a match by his butt crack,fart,and then the match would light. And he was a very successful and smart man. When he lived near Houston he lived in the same neighborhood as Hakeem Olajuwon. Yet he was a fart lighter.

 

[HurryingHoosiers]

Speaking of dumb and pumping gas, those fools who smoke while pumping gas are certainly not the brightest:

 

[All4You]

 

[abraxis]

My uncle who graduated from IUs Geology school used to as a kid put a match by his butt crack,fart,and then the match would light. And he was a very successful and smart man. When he lived near Houston he lived in the same neighborhood as Hakeem Olajuwon. Yet he was a fart lighter.

All the kids in my neighborhood lit farts. It was one of the Rites of Adolescence. The pyrotechnic display ignited behind closed doors was especially impressive in the dark. As boys, we heard whispered rumors girls did it, too, but I liked to have thought not. I’m surprised there weren’t more implosions of spontaneous combustion. Singed balls in burnt umber were considered a childhood badge of courage, as were the fused curly stalks of the more precocious. After all, those were the days!