Friday Funnies

sdhoosier

All-Big Ten
Dec 21, 2001
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So Calif
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"





and a chick...

3cc526873470aa3e327db1bbad966940.jpg
 

kkott

Hall of Famer
Oct 26, 2001
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I had to rewatch to see what the lady in the wagon was doing, but she also wasn't much of a driver/parker. What was she doing when she first starts to back out; went the wrong way? I guess maybe trying to give herself a little room since the black car next to her was so close. I think they both should have ubered home and come back in the middle of the night hoping all the other cars had left. Then they might have been able to get out of there in under 2 minutes.
 

bwcoach

Redshirt
Dec 17, 2012
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I had to rewatch to see what the lady in the wagon was doing, but she also wasn't much of a driver/parker. What was she doing when she first starts to back out; went the wrong way? I guess maybe trying to give herself a little room since the black car next to her was so close. I think they both should have ubered home and come back in the middle of the night hoping all the other cars had left. Then they might have been able to get out of there in under 2 minutes.
I taught driver Ed for for over 25 years and I think she was one was of the ones I flunked. Trust me I had some worse than her. And they don’t understand why they didn’t pass the class.
 

kkott

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Oct 26, 2001
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I taught driver Ed for for over 25 years and I think she was one was of the ones I flunked. Trust me I had some worse than her. And they don’t understand why they didn’t pass the class.
Drivers ed was very different for my kids and they only did like 6 classes and then the rest was on the parents to supervise. On their last class, a parent was supposed to come ride with them and the instructor. My son was very proud that his instructor said he was a good driver and I was terrified. In only his 6th class, we're on the innerbelt interstate in Charlotte just past rush hour... maybe 7pm? Traffic is moving at about 70, and my son going up a hill is probably at a solid 39mph. Cars are flying by us like we're driving the pace car in the middle of green flag racing at the Speedway. I decided then that Drivers Ed instructors must have the highest rate of substance abuse of any profession... drug dealers and hookers included.
 

hookyIU1990

All-American
Gold Member
Sep 26, 2007
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My driver's ed in HS consisted of me and a buddy paired up with one of our english teachers who was also the basketball statistician. We were both farm kids who had already been driving for years and he knew us from playing basketball. After the first day, every day after that was "hooky drive to such and such a place. When we get there, Boone trade places with hooky and drive back.". Then he'd sleep for 20 minutes, wake up when we made the switch, sleep again and wake up when parked in the school lot.

If I remember correctly it was 2 days/week during study hall for 8 or 10 weeks.
 

UncleMark

Hall of Famer
Sep 1, 2001
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My driver's ed in HS consisted of me and a buddy paired up with one of our english teachers who was also the basketball statistician. We were both farm kids who had already been driving for years and he knew us from playing basketball. After the first day, every day after that was "hooky drive to such and such a place. When we get there, Boone trade places with hooky and drive back.". Then he'd sleep for 20 minutes, wake up when we made the switch, sleep again and wake up when parked in the school lot.

If I remember correctly it was 2 days/week during study hall for 8 or 10 weeks.
Similar. First day of class we were divided up by whether we actually knew how to drive or not. Those who didn't got a lot of parking lot time. Us farm kids got a lot of "rules of the road" type homework and parallel parking was done in town, not in the parking lot with cones and such sissy shit. The last week was "road trip" with extended trips on the highways and Interstates. That must have been on a Saturday, or maybe after classes officially let out, since they took a couple hours or more.
 
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sglowrider

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Apr 9, 2012
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Tiny Red Dot
Similar. First day of class we were divided up by whether we actually knew how to drive or not. Those who didn't got a lot of parking lot time. Us farm kids got a lot of "rules of the road" type homework and parallel parking was done in town, not in the parking lot with cones and such sissy shit. The last week was "road trip" with extended trips on the highways and Interstates. That must have been on a Saturday, or maybe after classes officially let out, since they took a couple hours or more.

I never took any driving classes here. I just converted my Missouri driver's licence here into a Singapore license automatically! (We drive on the other side of the road here.)

I was told it was quite difficult to pass a driving license here. Most people would have taken and failed a number of times before eventually getting it right.

But despite the level of difficulty in getting a license here, they are some pretty shit drivers here. I call them 'bubble' drivers. They have no clue what's going on outside their own car. Skill levels are very low. If half the driving population here had to drive in snow or high winds, half the local population would have been wiped off the face of the earth.

One of my female friends here -- drives a nice jag but christ on a stick, she cant park to save her life. I can feel my BP raise whenever she drives or parks. Has to drive around the car park to look for the 'optimum' slot (so no parallel parking too.)

I ask the same question every time: How the flying feck did you pass the tests? Occasionally I hear what I suspect is the truth. 'Wear a low cut blouse.' (She does have a huge set of lungs.)

Fecking writing about it makes my blood boil, the stupid driving test guy clearly only met her once. I have to see her a few times a week! The moron should never have passed her test.
In fact, I just had a blow-up just on Saturday. Not talking to each other at the moment.
 
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kkott

Hall of Famer
Oct 26, 2001
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I never took any driving classes here. I just converted my Missouri driver's licence here into a Singapore license automatically! (We drive on the other side of the road here.)

I was told it was quite difficult to pass a driving license here. Most people would have taken and failed a number of times before eventually getting it right.

But despite the level of difficulty in getting a license here, they are some pretty shit drivers here. I call them 'bubble' drivers. They have no clue what's going on outside their own car. Skill levels are very low. If half the driving population here had to drive in snow or high winds, half the local population would have been wiped off the face of the earth.

One of my female friends here -- drives a nice jag but christ on a stick, she cant park to save her life. I can feel my BP raise whenever she drives or parks. Has to drive around the car park to look for the 'optimum' slot (so no parallel parking too.)

I ask the same question every time: How the flying feck did you pass the tests? Occasionally I hear what I suspect is the truth. 'Wear a low cut blouse.' (She does have a huge set of lungs.)

Fecking writing about it makes my blood boil, the stupid driving test guy clearly only met her once. I have to see her a few times a week! The moron should never have passed her test.
In fact, I just had a blow-up just on Saturday. Not talking to each other at the moment.
without pics, I'm calling BS on this entire post.
 

sglowrider

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Apr 9, 2012
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without pics, I'm calling BS on this entire post.
I have actually posted some of my 'frens' here but not this crappola driver. There is one video of herself bubbling or parts of her in a jacuzzi..
Four days and we are still not talking. So let's see about that video.
 
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kkott

Hall of Famer
Oct 26, 2001
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She has remedial driving course tomorrow. So we are out fr beers & burgers tonight! I am the DD. She always gets frisky after drinks.

All this just to get laid. The levels I have slumped. No dignity left
Well, I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you take it out on her a bit!