Trailer park application...

[clubjockey]

Ladies and gentlemen and others...

The Trailer Park has one and a half slips open for move-in.

With the death of our dearly beloved BigRedSpec, we have decided to construct a monument in his honor on his former slip. Next to said monument we have a half a slip that can house one of those pop-up trailer campers.

We also have a second full slip back by the retention pond. It gets a little damp when it rains, but hey...

We, the members of the Trailer Park neighborhood association (LLP), announce a competitive contest for said slips.

All interested applicants must:

1) Choose a SINGLE member of the Trailer park, and insult him as best you can (list of parkers is at the end of this posting). No extra points will be given for multiple insultees, but go for it if you so desire.

2) We would like a DETAILED NARRATIVE of how you intend to use your slip... What type of trailer, what type of landscaping, what type of out-buildings, etc... please describe any potential sounds/sights/smells/vibrations that may be caused by anything pertaining to your slip. Photos are not required, but extra consideration may be given to same.

3) Applicants must describe the Personal Character Traits they feel make them A Model Trailer Park Denizen. For example, IUT's propensity toward hooved vixens, pirate costumes and regalia, cross dressing, midnight drunken serenades and drunken mateys, and the dearly-departed Guy Montag's affinity for all things rubber (and hooved).

4) Applicants must provide a LETTER OF REFERENCE from a former landlord, warden, doctor, overseer, jailguard, boss, dominatrix, client, etc. vouching for the Applicant's character.

In a single (or multiple if needed) post, please provide each of these four requirements. At the close of the process, the TrailerPark Neighborhood Association (LLP) will vote on the new applicants. The Association is (for use with insults):
IUT
CJ
DougS
IUJIM
Harrumph
BRS (deceased)
TBL
LL
Uber/BCC
TimmyMac
Guy Montag (Missing)
Tunk
Stunnedmonkey
And I've probably forgotten one or two...

Bribery and flattery will be happily accepted.

Reply to this post.

thank you for your interest.

 

[trover]

I'll submit my application as soon as I get out of jail.

Sorry but the delay can't be helped. I'm spending way too much time bent over in the shower, searching for soap, and my gums are killing me. The doctor says my new teeth should be ready soon. Then, as soon as I can bend my arm -- the needles leave me a little stiff -- I should be ready to type. I'll provide a reference from my employer as soon as possible, but the DEA is watching him pretty closely and his computer has been seized -- those pesky feds, you know.

As far as improvements go, I plan to build a warehouse where we can party. Don't mind the plastic packages, they'll move quickly as soon as my network is set up. In the meantime, you can use some of the contents for sweetner, although you may find your heart races a bit. What the hell, a bigger hard-on, eh?

You may notice an increase in the traffic of women in the area. You'll find them very affectionate, especially if you put a little extra sweetner out. It smells so good, they like to sniff it. These are classy chicks, who really know how to please. They're on the thin side, except for their chests, but they're most accomodating; they will be happy to meet your needs for the most minimal of charge. Don't worry about any bruises or marks on their arms: They're extraordinary athletes, who are so accomplished in their events, they receive roses all the time. Those thorns are sharp, aren't they? I mentioned their chests... they really are outstanding. Just don't squeeze, or it could get gooey. And don't slap them, they may slap back -- rebounds can be a bitch. But don't worry about their health; they tested positive for vitamins, especially that HIVitamin, so that must be why they have that nice gray color to their skin.

I hope you don't impose any silly requirements -- you know, needless bureaucracy -- like indoor plumbing, or limitations, like on the size of woofers. I jury-rigged my eight track system so "Beat it" can be heard across three states. Given my current incarceration, and what's been happening to me, I may have to change the tune, but you oughta see those implants swing to a full volume bass! Sorry if you don't like loud music, but I hope you understand: Somebody pissed on my control center, and the volume is stuck at max. Should be fun, huh?

As soon as I get out, I'll submit a formal application. I can't wait to be your neighbor.

Signed,

trover

P.S. If you're in county jail, look me up in the showers.
This post was edited on 8/26 10:25 AM by trover
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[etecnifibre]

I want to join...

For the first part, DougS. 1970's haircut. Need I really say more??



For the second part, I'll take nothing less than a 1970's trailer. I want one that has been around through a good old fashioned tornado. One condition is that it must have a whole bunch of flies that are dead on a fly glue strip



With the other half buzzing around me and landing on me like I was a cow.

My trailer will smell like TOTAL ASS.



For landscaping, WTF? I mean, the coolest thing EVER!



and, are you kidding? The most trailer-trashest item you could ever ask for



Number 3. I'm drunk. I mean ALL THE TIME. And if you don't believe me, I'll have antoher beer and we can agrue about it. Then, some dumb b***h down the street can call the cops, and I can pulls my pants down, and they can arrest me for indecency instead of PI or battery. (lesser charge that way.)

Oh, and, I don't wanna pay for phone or cable, so we'll just run the lines from the trailer next to me. What's that? Hell no, I ain't diggin no damn ditch. We'll run 'em straight from your living room window to my living room window. Hell, it'll double as a closeline. hehehe.


4. Reference? Are you f****n kiddin? I don't give references. most of the time I leave after a couple of months because I don't pay my rent.

I hope you accept me into the trailer park. I'd love to, hold on, sorry

Damn it b***h, I said I'll take the trash out after Springer is over. Get your ass in the kitchen and make me some dinner.

I'm sorry, what was I sayin'? Who the f**k are you anyway? Jehovah's witness? Boy, I'd kicked your ass if my wife wasn't cookin me dinner. Get the hell outta here. Don't you see Mary over there in the gravel yard?

This post was edited on 8/26 5:49 PM by etecnifibre
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[IUT]

You forgot Basil.

Now he'll cry himself to sleep tonight.

 

[pwb1]

1. I'm a newcomer, so I don't really know any of you all that well. Let me just say you all sound like a bunch of f***ing tools. Oh, wait. Single member? Fair enough. CJ's the tool. That's all I've got.

2. Since I'll be near the retention pond, my trailer will be set up to take full advantage of the aquatic "extras". I have two rusted folding chairs that I plan to position near the pond for romantic evenings with my wife/her sister/18 year olds from the local Village Pantry, etc. I WILL NEVER MOVE THE CHAIRS. EVER. For special evenings I'll bring out a vinyl recliner for relaxing/sex. The retention pond area will be bordered with plastic spinnning sunflowers. Like etcenfibre, I too shall have a statue of the Blessed Virgin nearby. However, mine is spray painted gold. Hope that isn't a problem. I will also start, but never finish, a small wooden pier that, if finished, would provide a perfect spot for drinking/fishing/injury.

My flag pole will have flags upon it in this order, from top to bottom: Stars and Stripes. Stars and Bars. #3 Intimidator. Tazamanian Devil "Wildman".

For landscaping, I have planned to import many large, faded, broken broken yard toys, 3 cars (with cinder blocks, none operational), and a 1943 Massey Ferguson with no seat. I will mow the lawn every July 5th.

I will have a small shed for my wife to sleep in when I have to kick her a$$ for running her mouth. If you hear a disturbance, mind your own damned business. She just fell down, is all.

You will never know exactly how many dogs I'll have. Suffice to say that they will all be large and mean.

I will post "No Trespassing" signs on any object that will support a nail.

#3 Personal Character Traits: I'm very punctual. I return things that I borrow.

#4. Attached is a copy of my letter of reference:

To whom it may concern:

Please accept my recommendation for your consideration of pwb1's application to your fine establishment/place of business/trailer park/other.

I first met pwb1 after a jury convicted him of peeing on the grill at our local Hardees. As I have for many years, I try to counsel these young men to try to help them see the errors they have made in the past, and to take the appropriate steps to see that their transgressions are not repeated. Since pwb1 isn't allowed within 100 yards of Hardy's anymore, I think I 've got that covered.

Despite his faults, which are many, pwb1 is, in my opinion, no longer a threat to the fast food establishments in this, or any other community.

Please accept this letter as my most hearty recommendation, and please forgive the urine stains on the back page, as pwb1 assisted me in drafting this letter.

Sincerely,


Minister

I hope that when I'm accepted, we can all get together at the retention pond and enjoy a luke warm Olympia.
This post was edited on 8/27 12:22 PM by pwb1
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[HoosierBacker]

HB's application

1- I hope this won't eliminate me from consideration, but I refuse to disparage someone who may shortly be my neighbor. Not only is that in poor taste, but I'm guessing it's a trick question. You get people to insult current residents, then blacklist them for doing so. I'm not falling for it. Besides, it's too easy. Sure I could talk about IUT's penchant for waxing his ass hairs, then using them for his sideburns which he can't grow, but I'm above that. It'd be easy to talk about CJ's incessant need to run around at night wearing his Superman underoos, but I won't take that easy route. DougS' raging alcoholism and addiction to psychic hotlines, needn't be discussed. IUJIM's propensity to wear ladies underpants on the outside of his pants, off topic. Harrumph's shrine to Richard Simmons, a blessing not a curse. BRS' attempt to clone a sheep for sexual purposes, a scientific endeavor to be applauded not made fun of. TBL's crippling gonorrhea, should be treated not joked about. LL's fetish for men who dress up as Bea Arthur, well that's his own private business. Uber's job as a masturbatory aid for farm animals, that gives his life purpose and shouldn't be the source of insults. TimmyMac's insistence on wearing his clothes backwards, telling you to call him Mac Daddy, and always yelling at you to 'Jump, Jump', is endearing not annoying. Guy Montag's habit of wearing black socks and sandals out in public is part of his charm. Tunk's desire to wed a morbidly obese woman, so that he can wash her back with a rag on a stick, gives him character. Stunnedmonkey getting his tounge stuck on the flag pole three or four times every winter because, "it shouldn't happen", shows he has perserverance and that "stick to it-ness" more of us should strive for.

Yeah, I won't be taking part in this part of the application.

2- I'll take the half slip, if that'd be alright with you. I don't need much space. Hell, I lived in a storage room in college one year, a half slip is a Shaq sized mansion compared to that. In fact, I've already got my trailer on lay away:



Yep, 10 more payments and that beauty is all mine. I'll stick to outdoor pluming if that suits you. More of what I'm used to. There are times where that can be a negative, but the positives more than make up for it. A couple of my regular visitors that shower outside:



I will probably sit on my lawn chair and drink beer until I pass out most weekends. Getting sun is good for the complexion I think. I just may ask for some assistance in applying the lotion.



For entertainment, I mostly just drive around, looking for stuff to jump over in my car.



Oh yeah, and I smoke copious amounts of marijuana, so don't be surprised if the following happens after I move in:

- you can't find Dorito's or Hostess products at the nearest conveinence store.
- you see Rickey Williams dropping by. All the time.
- you hear Cypress Hill's 'I want to get high' played again, and again, and again, on a continous loop.
- when having conversations with me, I do a 'Beavis and Butthead' laugh and point out any and all sexual references in what you just said.
- my curiosity gets the better of me, and I end up trying to spy in your window to see what you're doing:



3- I get along swimingly with people who cross dress and/or wear pirate regalia.

4- I don't have anyone that will vouch for my character, but I do know a lot of:



And they:



Just let me know when I should move in. TIA.

 

[DougS]

BRS is dead?

I thought I hit something!

 

[DougS]

Are you referring to the fro, or the spiked chest hair?

I don't care what you say about the 'fro.

Talk bad about the spike, and you die!

 

[HoosierPeach]

Fine, CJ. Here you go!

1) TBL. Far and away the biggest blowhard on this board. People think it's CJ because he's the most overly verbose POS out there, but the truth is, it's this schmuck. From his posts about being a god (whatever) to his self-proclaimed yet never proven football genius, this guy has to roll around in a pit of discarded bacon grease and IUT's used lube to fit his head and his large girth through the double doors to work each morning. Frankly, I'm surprised he even can hold a job considering he spends all his time holding and beating poor Little (and I do mean LITTLE) TBL while he ogles the boobie shots for which he constantly begs. In fact, this power-hungry cop is likely to go Rodney King on anyone who doesn't post them. This abuse of power is clearly compensatory for his lack of, um, size. Moving on....TBL is also from Fort Wayne. I'm from Fort Wayne...and no longer live in Fort Wayne. Why, you may ask? BECAUSE ANYONE WITH A CAPACITY TO EVEN IDENTIFY THEIR COLORS wants to get OUT of Ft. Wayne. (No wonder TBL's clothes never match.) On top of that, no one really wants to live on Pontiac Street, where crack is easily accessible. Hardly the place to raise a baby girl who looks strikingly like the cashier at Kendallville Wal Mart. However, there is large ass aplenty, which likely helps him to feed his cravings for the exceedingly bootylicious...TBL, much to the dismay of his family, has a "Shawn-Kemp-like" run of being the "baby daddy" for the offspring of multiple uneducated, induces-puke-in-your-mouth hideous women. His lust of the unwashed is unmatched by any other ruffian on the OTF, and may someday garner him what he truly deserves...eviction from the trailer park and transplantation into a neighborhood of rabid (and heavily armed) UK fans.

2) This is me in front of my new home:



I will kit it out in the grandest of style, and you'll have the ride of a lifetime. *snicker* I will share the magic of the bull with all of you degenerates.


(Me on the mechanical bull)

Here's the hot tub, and here's TBL in it. It will help y'all make friends.



(What did I say about his liking of the tail?)

The slip and slide, which while I will not disclose what makes it slippery (I want to protect IUT and his ilk), can provide hours of enjoyment as well.



We'll also have plenty of rednecks, beer, and moonshine.





The best thing is that I'll invite all of my easiest, drunkest, and most vision-impaired friends...



and then they'll get down with you in a tub full of jello (CJ pictured below)

.

Also, I'll help to provide a crew to help you insulate your trailer to avoid the cold winter nights. They'll line the outside with hay. (Hay, if it works for cows, it can work for your home!)



Finally, I am handy to have around. Look at how I change this tire.



This is how you'll feel if I join the trailer park! (IUT on the left, Uber on the right)



3) Hi, I am Peach. Let me tell you about myself.

First, I like to run.



Secondly, I like to lay out.



Third, I like to read.



Finally, I like to shop with my friends.



(That is the one and only time I'm posting chicks. No mas.)

4)






Dear Mr. Jockey,

We are a family large in girth, and in mirth!


Leaving our favorite restaurant, Don Pablo's

We love Don Pablo's, and frequent it several times per week. Peach was our server, on average, two out of three of our visits. (We found it so surprising...and we felt sorry for her because her coworkers always seemed to be laughing at her expense when we arrived. We never truly understood why. One time we did overhear her saying, "Not them again" followed by a long, sad wail, as she saw us walking in the door, but we attributed it to too much homework from school.) Anyway, my husband Leroy (my name's Lynnelle) and my daughter Martha (she's 10) really love drinking Dr. Pepper. They can put away that stuff like a camel savin' up for a dry spell in Death Valley! Well, that Peachy was so good with the refills. In fact she just dragged a ten-gallon bucket filled with the Dr., and gave us a couple of straws so we could keep our thirst quenched. It was sooo helpful. And Martha, she's got allergies. One day she's allergic to tomaters, the next week she's allergic to cheese. Well, Peach was great at taking her fajitas back to the cook to have them done up special when Martha realized she couldn't eat the lettuce that week or she'd be in trouble. For me, I like the rib-ticklin' rack, with my barbecue sauce on the side, taters mashed with up with extra cheese, and salad with extra dressing on the side. Peach always remembered about these details, even when I forgot them because I was busy finishin' my basket of chips!

The best thing about Peach is that she works so hard even when we're short of cash. There were times I could only afford to give her a 2% tip after we'd had our dinner, drinks, and dessert. But she kept workin' hard for us, that's Peach for you.

Anyway, to git to my point, Mr. Jockey, you should really think about givin' lil' ol' Peach the membership in the park she's lookin' for. She's a helluva girl.

Sincerely,

Lynnelle Pfatt
The Pfatt Family

(This should ring a bell for those of you who have read about my favorite DP's customers

 

[Bligedy]

My app...be gentle

First off, as a fanugi, I don't know any of you guys very well so the insults are few and far between. And, sadly, the guys who would be the easiest to insult aren't currently part of the Trailer Park Neighborhood Association LLP. I did, however, see IUT entering his, um, trailer. Buddy, I'm not judgemental but that thing looked exactly like a penis, only smaller. Put some cloths on the next time you want to "wave" at passing traffic

For TBL....an artist rendering....



My place will be a PIMP pad.



Beautifully landscaped.



Outdoor Dinner Parties



Live Music on the weekends......



A peep hole to Peachy's place.....



And finally, and most importantly.....a constant flow of trailer groupies.





And if it takes Tits and Ass...bygod I've got tits and ass.



The personal characteristics that I possess that would make me a model Trailer Park Citizen. I'm open minded. So Uber can use my place to bang all the fatties he can get his hands on....and I promise not to judge. Also, Rolo, your sexual proclivities are none of my b'ness.



And Stunned....if that makes you feel sexy. I say wear it. Don't let those chumps in Fargo tell you that you can't rock the Blue bikini. "Say, der, dat der bikini isn't acceptable dress in these here parts."



I love to share. So the next time LL wants to bring "the Heather" by the park, I'd be happy to, um, er, ahem, show her around. And CJ, I make you my personal promise that I would never let anyone see those photos of you, the burritos & the midget in Showalter Fountain.

They say that you should save the best for last. I believe that my reference is strong. Strong as 3 day old piss.

TrailerPark Neighborhood Association LLP
P.O. Box 14-15
Bloomington, IN

To Whom It May Concern:

Please accept my recommendation as part of Bligedy's application to your association/freakshow/circle jerk.

I can certainly vouch for his character. His support and coaching helped me put my fears behind me and leave my house after two weeks of paranoia induced confinement. I'll never forget the kind words, "Coach, quit being such a bitch.". For this dose of reality, I will forever be indebted to Bligedy.

Bligedy is also the first to help kids. He can always be found with Bracey Wright after a a 3-12 shooting effort. When I asked Bligedy what he and Bracey were talking about, he responded simply, "I just wanted to give Bracey some love, coach." Never were more beautiful words spoken.

Please allow Bligedy entry into your community. It will allow me to use his Room and Board Money to entice fine young point guard transfer from Alabama A&T. I think I can get him. He told me that he thinks I'm real cool.

Thank you, in advance, for your consideration

Warmest Regards,

Mike Davis, Head Coach
Indiana University Men's Basketball Team

This post was edited on 9/1 3:14 PM by Bligedy
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This post was edited on 9/1 3:16 PM by Bligedy
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[indyfro]

milestone trailer park application

It's a flash file. The slides advance automatically, so sit back relax and enjoy!

you can download it here:

Park-worthy

Or view it online here:


park-worthy online