We Need Jokes. Here is one appropriate for the AOTF.

[VanPastorMan]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?”

The 90-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else killed that rabbit.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

 

[Cream&Crimson]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?”

The 90-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else killed that rabbit.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

Gotta give it to you Van, that did make me laugh.

 

[Cream&Crimson]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

 

[Crossblock]

One day a deceased lawyer reaches the gates of Heaven. St. Peter looks at him then looks down at the paperwork. He asks the man to remain where he is. St. Peter brings God over and they begin interviewing the Man.
God asks him whether he is Michael Martin. The Lawyer replies that he is. God then says "And you were age 48 at the time of your Death?" Lawyer Martin replies that he was. God and Saint Peter then step away and begin whispering to each other. Lawyer Martin, then asks, "Is there a Problem?"

God looks at him again and says "We are bit confused. Based upon the total number of billable hours you submitted over the course of your Career, we were expecting a much older Man".

 

[sglowrider]

 

[Cream&Crimson]

That's awesome.

 

[sglowrider]

 

[dr.jb]

a boy is walking down the hallway of his house when he hears screaming coming from his parents bedroom. he opens the door and there's his father dressed only in chaps, his mom dressed in a cheerleader outfit with nothing on underneath and they are going at it....
he shouts, "DADDY, WHAT"S GOING ON?!!!"

the dad laughs and says "just go to bed son, i'll talk to you in 20 minutes"

20 minutes later the father is walking down the hall and hears screaming coming from his kid's bedroom. he opens the door and sees his son furiously banging his grandmother...

he says, "BILLY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

kid looks up and says, "it's not so funny when it's your mother, is it"

 

[sglowrider]

 

[outside shooter]

A suspected Covid-19 African American male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

 

[Crossblock]

Johnny is about 10 years old, and his family is teaching him some more card games including Sheepshead. Johnny has played enough practice hands to have a basic understanding of the rules and structure. One night he walks past his parent's bedroom and hears some unusual moaning and noises.
He walks into the bedroom and finds his parents buried under the covers making unusual movements. He speaks up and asks them what they are doing. His Dad replies that they are playing a game of Sheepshead . Johnny leaves and goes to his room.
An Hour later his Father looks in to find Johnny under the covers with his arm and hand moving furiously obviously choking his chicken. Dad says "Johnny what are you doing?" Johnny replies "I'm playing Sheepshead." His Father replies, "You can't be, you need a Partner to play that game."

Johnny replies< "You don't need a Partner if you have a really good hand."

 

[VanPastorMan]

Not a joke but a true story. Last night we were having dinner with my daughter and her new husband. He likes to sports gamble and he commented on how there isn't much to bet on right now. I told him how Dan Dakich (he didn't know who he was) is gambling on Russian Table Tennis. He son in law says, "Oh Yeah" and hits a couple of buttons on his phone. Boom, there is a table tennis match right there on his phone. LoL I hope he keeps this gambling under control.

 

[dahldc]

Not a joke but a true story. Last night we were having dinner with my daughter and her new husband. He likes to sports gamble and he commented on how there isn't much to bet on right now. I told him how Dan Dakich (he didn't know who he was) is gambling on Russian Table Tennis. He son in law says, "Oh Yeah" and hits a couple of buttons on his phone. Boom, there is a table tennis match right there on his phone. LoL I hope he keeps this gambling under control.

Are you ****ing stupid?

 

[VanPastorMan]

Are you ****ing stupid?

Don't you get it? My SIL was already up on Russian Table Tennis. I thought that was pretty funny. Obviously you don't because you are not happy and you kill all happiness.

 

[dahldc]

Don't you get it? My SIL was already up on Russian Table Tennis. I thought that was pretty funny. Obviously you don't because you are not happy and you kill all happiness.

No, there's a stay at home order in place and you're having your got damn kids over for dinner. You are dumb.

 

[TheOriginalHappyGoat]

No, there's a stay at home order in place and you're having your got damn kids over for dinner. You are dumb.

Jesus will protect him.

 

[VanPastorMan]

No, there's a stay at home order in place and you're having your got damn kids over for dinner. You are dumb.

actually we went to my daughter and son in law's apartment. My grandson who is 3 1/2 asked me, "Paw, you coming to my house?"

 

[VanPastorMan]

Jesus will protect him.

You might say that in jest, but it is my Eternal Hope. Even if he slay me yet will I serve Him.

 

[dahldc]

actually we went to my daughter and son in law's apartment. My grandson who is 3 1/2 asked me, "Paw, you coming to my house?"

Your still a got damn moron. You are part of the problem. Jesus weeps at your irresponsibility.

 

[Crossblock]

Ok. Let's get back to the original subject of this thread - Additional Jokes.
Now that Bernie Sanders has dropped out of the race let's have some Joe Biden humor - not that he doesn't create enough humor on his own.
Jill and Joe Biden are out to Dinner one night. The Waiter starts with Jill, and she orders the Grilled Salmon and Baked Potato.
"Vegetable?" asks the Waiter. To which Jill replies, "He'll have the same.

 

[VanPastorMan]

Your still a got damn moron. You are part of the problem. Jesus weeps at your irresponsibility.

What are you talking about? You talking about the virus? We are having drive in church. Nobody gets near anyone. We are putting our service on Facebook for those who can't make it.

 

[hookyIU1990]

A girl realized that she was growing hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about the hair. Her mom calmly said, “My dear, that's nothing to afraid or ashamed of. Where the hair is growing is what's called your Monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” The girl just smiled and went on about her day. At dinner, she proudly announced, “My monkey is growing hair!”. Her older sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

 

[iuwclurker]

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

 

[iuwclurker]

Ok. Let's get back to the original subject of this thread - Additional Jokes.
Now that Bernie Sanders has dropped out of the race let's have some Joe Biden humor - not that he doesn't create enough humor on his own.
Jill and Joe Biden are out to Dinner one night. The Waiter starts with Jill, and she orders the Grilled Salmon and Baked Potato.
"Vegetable?" asks the Waiter. To which Jill replies, "He'll have the same.

Donald and Melania Trump are out to dinner one night. The waiter starts with Melania, and she orders the Grilled Salmon and Baked Potato.

"Turd sandwich?" asks the Waiter. To which Melania replies, "He'll have the same.

 

[hookyIU1990]

Donald and Melania Trump are out to dinner one night. The waiter starts with Melania, and she orders the Grilled Salmon and Baked Potato.

"Turd sandwich?" asks the Waiter. To which Melania replies, "He'll have the same.

All the material the guy serves up on a silver platter every day and that's what you come up with. How hard is it to at least make an earnest attempt?

 

[outside shooter]

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE."
The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES".

 

[iuwclurker]

All the material the guy serves up on a silver platter every day and that's what you come up with. How hard is it to at least make an earnest attempt?

 

[cryano]

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE."
The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES".

Are you the real VanPastorMan?

 

[iuwclurker]

 

[outside shooter]

Are you the real VanPastorMan?

We differ tremendously in my reliance on facts and in my lack of devotion to any supernatural sky fairy

 

[largemouth]

That works really well with Jameis Winston, eh?

 

[kraft cheese+macaroni]

Jesus will protect him.

Covered in Jesus’ blood I’m sure

 

[UncleMark]

Wife from other room: "Do you ever get sharp pains like someone is stabbing a voodoo doll of you?"

Me: "No..."

Wife: "How about now?"

 

[kkott]

Wife from other room: "Do you ever get sharp pains like someone is stabbing a voodoo doll of you?"

Me: No..."

Wife: "How about now?"

That was pretty good! Here's how I show my appreciation:

Can you hear me clapping?
Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?

 

[kkott]

That was pretty good! Here's how I show my appreciation:

Can you hear me clapping?
Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?

And, 1 more, just cause I like you guys.... well, most of you.

 

[VanPastorMan]

Are you the real VanPastorMan?

I've actually heard that joke before. Of course I wouldn't tell it at church because you have mixed company.

 

[T.M.P.]

Are you ****ing stupid?

yes, yes he is.

 

[TheOriginalHappyGoat]

So God has been working hard for a few thousand years and decides it's time for a vacation. He can't decide where to go, so he calls up his best pal St. Peter and asks his advice.

"I just need to get away," God says. "You got any good ideas where to go?"

"Well," says Peter, "I hear Jupiter is beautiful this time of year."

"No good," says God. "The gravity there is hell on my back."

"Hmm, well, how about Mars, then?"

"Great planet. I enjoyed creating it, but it's just too much red, and it gets boring after a while."

"Well, there's always Venus."

"Too hazy, you just can't see anything."

"Man, God, I don't know," says Peter. "I guess you could just go to Earth again."

"Oh hell no!" says God. "Last time I went to Earth, I hooked up with this hot Jewish chick, and they are STILL talking about it!"

 

[sglowrider]

Lockdown Love:

 

[outside shooter]

Of course I wouldn't tell it at church because you have mixed company.

On the whole I'd bet that your crowd is quite homogeneous. White, dumb, and gullible.