The funniest line you ever heard...
- Thread starter Mr_Scott
- Start date
We teed off at 6:38 this morning and I had my best round of the year. Of course,
McNutt76Hall of Famer
I have some land I would like to sell you if you believe this post. vbg
Before this internet thing took off... there were listserv's (email distribution lists). I had signed up for a Grateful Dead listserv. Endless discussions of Donna, best sets, best tour, best version of Dark Star, etc etc. Occasionally, someone would bring up other musical groups or solo acts they liked. One day, someone brought up Neil Diamond and his early rocking years. Then lots of back and forth about Diamond selling out and what the turning point was. Then came a short reply which was the funniest line I think I've ever heard.
You are the fork
I am the spoon
Eat me
You are the fork
I am the spoon
Eat me
Country boy brings city girlfriend home for a big sitdown dinner table meal.Granny, to break the ice, says, " Now Honey, have you ever milked a cow ? " Girlfriend says, " Y'know,I tried once. I was down under there for I don't know HOW long, pulling and tugging forever. Finally, I got a little bit to squirt out, but it didn't seem like all that much. " Granpa says, " Are you sure you didn't have the BULL. ? "
I am really smart, I graduated from an Ivy League school ya know, believe me I am very smart.
Steven Wright and Mitch Hedburg have always slayed me, but I'm only out to amuse one person.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. - Wright
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. - Hedberg
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. - Wright
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. - Hedberg
Hedberg was great
1. I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
A Complete Ranking Of (Almost) Every Single Mitch Hedberg Joke
https://www.buzzfeed.com/mrloganrho...h-hedberg-joke?utm_term=.au2kb3vbB#.mwBjzQMzN
1. I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
A Complete Ranking Of (Almost) Every Single Mitch Hedberg Joke
https://www.buzzfeed.com/mrloganrho...h-hedberg-joke?utm_term=.au2kb3vbB#.mwBjzQMzN
Lewis Grizzard/Quotes
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
Springtime is the land awakening. The March winds are the morning yawn.
It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.
I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.
You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ’What’s in it for me?’
http://www.azquotes.com/author/5948-Lewis_Grizzard
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
Springtime is the land awakening. The March winds are the morning yawn.
It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.
I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.
You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ’What’s in it for me?’
http://www.azquotes.com/author/5948-Lewis_Grizzard
this is the funniest line I ever heard:
since then, with Brady:
13-2 and a ring
13-5, AFCCG loss, on a missed XP
14-1 and a ring
7-2 and rolling...
yes, that is 47-10, regular season and postseason.
since then, with Brady:
13-2 and a ring
13-5, AFCCG loss, on a missed XP
14-1 and a ring
7-2 and rolling...
yes, that is 47-10, regular season and postseason.
"You want to do mankind a real service?".................
Classic line contained within a series of great dialogue between Allen's character and an alien visitor.
McHoop
A few of my favorites:
Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded. - Yogi Berra
English soccer star George Best had several that have a certain AOTF flair:
“I spent a lot of money on booze, broads, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.”
― George Best
“In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol - it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.”
― George Best
“I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep.”
― George Best
“I used to go missing a lot... Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World.”
― George Best
Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded. - Yogi Berra
English soccer star George Best had several that have a certain AOTF flair:
“I spent a lot of money on booze, broads, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.”
― George Best
“In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol - it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.”
― George Best
“I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep.”
― George Best
“I used to go missing a lot... Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World.”
― George Best
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VanPastorMan
Hall of Famer
Norm McDonald was quoting an old man, "Back in my day who would have thought that a computer was needed to masterbate?"
Needed? I call it Advanced interrogation techniques as I slap it around a little !
The best sports interview quick response line was from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach while in the middle of a winless season was asked...
'What do you think about your team's execution?'
He answered 'I think that'd be a great idea'.
Geechy Guy would have to he up there in regards to one line nuggets of gold.
Like...
'They say that you have to watch out for internet predators, they're everywhere. I never run into internet predators when I'm on it, I only run into hot, young boys.'
'A police officer tried to pull me over for not having a rear view mirror....but I didn't see him'.
'My bottled water supposedly comes from glaciers around 10,000 years ago, but I have to drink it by this Tuesday'.
' Is it big, tall and goofy in here or is it just me?'
'The Dodge neon commercial says if this car had wings it could fly. No s#$t, if I had wings, I could fly. If this car had thumbs it could bowl'.
'I bought these German razor blades that we're guaranteed to last for a lifetime. If I ordered now they'd send me a second set for free'.
'My doctor said I needed to exercise more, so I spent this past week beating demons out of nuns'.
'I read magazines, periodically'
'What's new with me? I have a kid now. Well until the parents come up with the ransom money.'
'What do you think about your team's execution?'
He answered 'I think that'd be a great idea'.
Geechy Guy would have to he up there in regards to one line nuggets of gold.
Like...
'They say that you have to watch out for internet predators, they're everywhere. I never run into internet predators when I'm on it, I only run into hot, young boys.'
'A police officer tried to pull me over for not having a rear view mirror....but I didn't see him'.
'My bottled water supposedly comes from glaciers around 10,000 years ago, but I have to drink it by this Tuesday'.
' Is it big, tall and goofy in here or is it just me?'
'The Dodge neon commercial says if this car had wings it could fly. No s#$t, if I had wings, I could fly. If this car had thumbs it could bowl'.
'I bought these German razor blades that we're guaranteed to last for a lifetime. If I ordered now they'd send me a second set for free'.
'My doctor said I needed to exercise more, so I spent this past week beating demons out of nuns'.
'I read magazines, periodically'
'What's new with me? I have a kid now. Well until the parents come up with the ransom money.'
