Real Church Joke Appropriate For The AOTF.

[VanPastorMan]

I'm doing this funeral tomorrow for a lady who passed away. One of the crafts she liked to work on was rug hooking. Probably her best friend and I were talking and she said that this woman would do that kind of intricate work and make elaborate rugs for the different church rooms. Now her friend said when they had church work days this woman would be doing that and she would strip all of the floors so they could be re waxed and all shiny. She says to me, "Pastor, she was a hooker, and I was a stripper". Roflol.

 

[13thman]

A 90 year old woman passed away. Before the funeral the pall bearers, the pastor, and the funeral home director were chatting. The pastor confessed that this was his first funeral and was unsure how long to talk. After some silence the funeral director replied, "You can talk as long as you want but after 20 minutes we're closing the casket and wheeling her out."

 

[cryano]

I'm doing this funeral tomorrow for a lady who passed away. One of the crafts she liked to work on was rug hooking. Probably her best friend and I were talking and she said that this woman would do that kind of intricate work and make elaborate rugs for the different church rooms. Now her friend said when they had church work days this woman would be doing that and she would strip all of the floors so they could be re waxed and all shiny. She says to me, "Pastor, she was a hooker, and I was a stripper". Roflol.

She must be crushing on you...feeling you out...

 

[VanPastorMan]

She must be crushing on you...feeling you out...

She is around 85, former missionary along with her husband who passed away about five years ago. When we went to the graveside to do that part of the service she asked the funeral director to drive by her husband's grave because he was buried in the same cemetery. It was actually quite touching. So I don't think she was feeling me out......unless I was sending subconscious signals. lol

 

[VanPastorMan]

A 90 year old woman passed away. Before the funeral the pall bearers, the pastor, and the funeral home director were chatting. The pastor confessed that this was his first funeral and was unsure how long to talk. After some silence the funeral director replied, "You can talk as long as you want but after 20 minutes we're closing the casket and wheeling her out."

The only time I have had anyone say I preached too long at a funeral was when I did my nephew's funeral. He died around 30 because he accidentally took too much pain medication before bed due to a back injury and never woke up. I had known him since he was born. He was my little buddy before I went into the Air Force. His aunt from his father's side made a comment on how long I preached. I said, "He was my little buddy and I had to say what I had to say. That truly has been the roughest funeral I have ever conducted. But I am glad I took my time.

 

[PhishPhan682]

She is around 85, former missionary along with her husband who passed away about five years ago. When we went to the graveside to do that part of the service she asked the funeral director to drive by her husband's grave because he was buried in the same cemetery. It was actually quite touching. So I don't think she was feeling me out......unless I was sending subconscious signals. lol

I bet she still is a missionary

 

[Brockway]

I bet she still is a missionary

Who knows, might be a spinner.

 

[sglowrider]

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."



The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"