Mental health and the family.

[Eppy99]

I’m assuming he tried getting help at the VA? I know it’s not the best service but can you shed light on what that experience might have been like? Seems like the best way to help our veterans is supporting and improving the VA better. Honestly I don’t know maybe someone else can shed light on it.
I know my wife has worked at the VA hospital when we lived in Cincy. She found it to be a great honor to help these patients but she also complained that the nursing there was horrible.

 

[Marvin the Martian]

I’m assuming he tried getting help at the VA? I know it’s not the best service but can you shed light on what that experience might have been like? Seems like the best way to help our veterans is supporting and improving the VA better. Honestly I don’t know maybe someone else can shed light on it.
I know my wife has worked at the VA hospital when we lived in Cincy. She found it to be a great honor to help these patients but she also complained that the nursing there was horrible.

The problem is getting people to want to get help. Paranoia is often a symptom of PTSD, so convincing someone with it to get help is hard.

Of course, that goes well beyond PTSD. Often the people most in need of help are the people who don't resist getting help. It is that way with addictions too. We humans are pretty good at believing we are fine, it is everyone else that has the problem.

 

[Eppy99]

I gotta say I'm really proud of this thread so far and it's by far the most important thread I've been a part of over the past 20 years on this site. Just some random thoughts.....

I think for so many reasons (politics, covid, climate change, whatever is pissing you off) we're experiencing the perfect storm right now. EVERYONE seems on edge.

I saw the comment regarding dealing with the physican. I'm not trying to defend the doctor as I have no idea what you dealt with, but since my wife is a physician I thought I'd share what her life has been like. My wife is a specialist who is constantly exposed to germs and virus. She's right in people faces and as a percausion wears goggles and of course is masked all day. She goes to her car every day to eat her lunch for about 5 minutes as that's all she has time for. She usually calls me during that 5 minutes to decompress. Because of all the protocals to keep her staff and other patients safe her wait time is longer than it's ever been. Staffing has problems not unlike other businneses. Lower level employees (MA's & receptionist) call in a lot and basically refuse to get vaccinntated. Of the 33 employees only 10 have gottenn vaccinnated and this is freakind healthcare! On top of that this past winter her business was hacked and like many in the country being held hostage to pay a ransom. This is a huge problem in our country and crippling businesses. Not being able to use a computer for charting literally brought the whole business to their knees. They had to rebuild everything and are still struggling. Then you have patients who don't want to wear a mask in the office or are asking my wife for letters stating they have a medical reason not to be vaccinated. All my wife can do is follow what the CDC says to be consistent. Many doctors are under severe amounts of stress and older docs are just choosing to retire. I think what my wife is seeing is patients with similar amounts of stress going on in their own lives and at times taking it out on her or the staff. I think we see examples of that in many places.....

So my girls returned home from sleep away camp this past sunday. They were part of a bubble for 3.5 weeks and the camp had no positive covid cases! We were able to see pictures through a photo app that had face recognition. I swear I saw smiles that I hadn't seen for almost 2 years. It really brought me to tears to see them so happy! With that said I know they still struggled at times. The camp employed a social worker to help the kids dealing with any issues. Two of my three girls were visitors to her. My oldest who struggles with the eating disorder, reported she tried cutting herself. We had to bring her home a week before camp ended to have her evaluated. After meeting with her therapist they came up with some better coping measures and was cleared to return to camp after a negative covid test. It's so weird, this kid says camp is the happiest place on earth for her yet this still happens? Unfortunately we've become used to these impulsive episodes from her. She snaps out of it routinely. I'm sure if we were new parents to this behavior we wouldn't have sent her back and would have considered a stress center......I guess since we've been through a suicide attempt and her cutting (which never is too bad which sounds horrible saying that) we handle this differently now. My youngest kid who's 11 and has recently said she's gay (all three of my girls at some point have considered this as well) reported she's feeling more depressed, but only at night before bedtime. She recently started a new med just weeks before camp started. So I was a bit concerned how she would deal with the med while being at camp. The concern is real for us as my oldest had her suicide attemp about two weeks after starting a new med. So I had my youngest meet with her psychiatrist and therapist via zoom while at camp to make sure she was able to continue. She really wanted to stay and was cleared by both docs. After talking to the camp social worker she reported to me this has been the most challenging summer on record. So many kids who while seemingly enjoying camp are dealing with clinical levels of anxiety and depression.

I guess what I'm saying is wrap your arms around your kids and be the support system they need. I think in the past this isn't a conversation we would have with anyone but a professional. I know we're not perfect parents but we've done everything to create a team of supporters for our kids. I think in the past people would assume the parents must have done something wrong to have created such unstable kids. Heck maybe some of you are thinking the same! This is the state of mind we all must get over. Stop trying to protect what others might think of you and start worrying about what’s best to help your kids.

Again I'm here for any and all. Together we can share our experiences if neccessary and realize we're not alone! Send me a personal message here, I'm happy to share my email or phone number as needed. Believe it or not you muther****ers are actually worth it. Let's be kind to oneanother.

 

[UncleMark]

The problem is getting people to want to get help. Paranoia is often a symptom of PTSD, so convincing someone with it to get help is hard.

Of course, that goes well beyond PTSD. Often the people most in need of help are the people who don't resist getting help. It is that way with addictions too. We humans are pretty good at believing we are fine, it is everyone else that has the problem.

Doing away with Involuntary committment has made dealing with these populations impossible.

 

[Eppy99]

Let me share one more thing…..ever since my kid tried committing suicide I changed how much I watch the news and focus on things I can’t control. I know if I allow things that make me angry or depressed to control my mood I can’t be the effective parent or husband I need to be. It’s part of the reason I watch almost no tv anymore. Accept for Ted Lasso of course!
Somehow Covid became only the second hardest thing to deal with. When your kid has mental health issues everything else seems to take a backseat or prepares you to handle whatever else comes your way.
I know we’re not nearly out of the woods but in a weird way I already feel like we’re survivors.

 

[Marvin the Martian]

Doing away with Involuntary committment has made dealing with these populations impossible.

I think the Supreme Court made a mistake, but I understand the mistake. We don't lock people away without a good reason. So we apply that to mental health commitment, it makes sense as I bet there were abuses in the system that existed when the supremes knocked it down. But we have created a huge new problem. Is living homeless with mental illness "freedom"? A lot of homeless have issues that prevent them from operating in the modern world. Some of them we might be able to get integrated back in with treatment and training.

 

[Joe_Hoopsier]

Well it seems there's a new sheriff in town. Funny, the Child from hell seems to understand the motivation very well. Momma, Not so much, but I understand one needs to scratch back for a bit, can't just roll ever when your plan has totally failed. I feel things are looking up.

One note to self though, don't end the argument (screaming session) with... "Good talk". That didn't seem to help as I intended (but it was kinda meant to display my level of "over it" anyway).

 

[DANC]

Well it seems there's a new sheriff in town. Funny, the Child from hell seems to understand the motivation very well. Momma, Not so much, but I understand one needs to scratch back for a bit, can't just roll ever when your plan has totally failed. I feel things are looking up.

One note to self though, don't end the argument (screaming session) with... "Good talk". That didn't seem to help as I intended (but it was kinda meant to display my level of "over it" anyway).

Sure hope things work out. Hell child sounds like she just needs a proverbial kick in the butt and some tough love. I'm sure she knows she's screwed up.

As long as she knows you're doing it out of love and concern for her, I bet she pulls out of it. Also, you don't know how this whole Covid thing affects people. Look at how people on this board have wigged out. To a young person, when they see adults losing it, it can really upset their world. She probably feels helpless to be able to control her own fate with all the crap going on.

Hang in there and good luck!

 

[jet812]

Let me share one more thing…..ever since my kid tried committing suicide I changed how much I watch the news and focus on things I can’t control. I know if I allow things that make me angry or depressed to control my mood I can’t be the effective parent or husband I need to be. It’s part of the reason I watch almost no tv anymore. Accept for Ted Lasso of course!
Somehow Covid became only the second hardest thing to deal with. When your kid has mental health issues everything else seems to take a backseat or prepares you to handle whatever else comes your way.
I know we’re not nearly out of the woods but in a weird way I already feel like we’re survivors.

Your girls are lucky to have a father that seeks to understand & help, not blame. I will heed your advice, as it will surely be needed someday…

 

[UncleMark]

But we have created a huge new problem. Is living homeless with mental illness "freedom"? A lot of homeless have issues that prevent them from operating in the modern world. Some of them we might be able to get integrated back in with treatment and training.

I drive by the post office and Seminary Park several times a day. There is no "freedom", no agency, no humanity, no dignity to be seen there. Those denizens of despair need rounded up, cleaned up, locked up, and (if necessary) doped up, until their humanity can be restored.

 

[Eppy99]

Your girls are lucky to have a father that seeks to understand & help, not blame. I will heed your advice, as it will surely be needed someday…

I'll tell you what as a parent we often think we know all and have the experience to answer anything that comes our way. Having a kid with a eating disorder that almost led to an even worse outcome humbled me greatly. I knew nothing about eating disorders. i was afraid of what to say or not to say at the dinner table or careful of how a comment could lead my daughter to misunderstand me. And then the cutting started and I just couldn't unnderstand why she would want to feel pain. You can think your kid who's a straight A student and has friends has life by the balls, but damn if sometimes you don't know a damn thing. I've now learned never to assume everything is ok. Continue talking with your kids and always let them know you're there for them regardless of the situation.

The scariest thing is I really don't know if there's a happy ending to this story. Sometimes I'm just doing my best to hold everything together. it's scary having your life and those you love feeling so vulnerable. That's all I got. I don't have all the answers, I only know I have an endless amount of love for my kids.

 

[Eppy99]

Until I can think of a new name I'll just call this a "Buddy Check". How we all doing? I gotta admit the news just feels heavier than normal and that's saying a lot. I mean you've got kids going back to school, new schedules for everyone, Covid debates in our local school boards, re-masking, a sense of sadness for what's happenning to people in Afghanistan and our the welfare of our vets, I feel terrible for the people of Haiti, etc, etc.

So given that backdrop, and it's A LOT, how are we doing? And if not so well how can we do a better job of coping with what we can't control? Would love to hear what works for you......

So I workout three times a week with a trainer. It helps me clear my mind for at least 45 minutes a day. Other than than that there's nothing physically I'm doing to help me clear my mind. It's funny, I've always snickered at the idea of meditation, maybe it's the uncomfortable silence, or those people always seemed weird to me. I gotta say if it helps, I'm willing to give this a shot.

I generally don't watch much news anymore because it always just seems so damn heavy, but somehow I still seem to know what's going on, so maybe it doesn't matter how or where you get it but it still has the same affect. I like to escape with my music and podcasts, but I seem to be tiring of my current offerings.

So what's working for you guys? And again how are we all doing?

On a side note, a fellow poster reached out to me and we had a nice chat about some similar family issues we're both dealing with. I gotta say it was great. We plan to check in with eachother every once in awhile and see how things are going. Don't be afrarid to reach out to your fellow brothers on here. We all could use someone to chat with....and it's free!

Peace out for now.

 

[UncleMark]

So given that backdrop, and it's A LOT, how are we doing? And if not so well how can we do a better job of coping with what we can't control? Would love to hear what works for you......
[...]
So what's working for you guys? And again how are we all doing?

What works for me is understanding that today's difficulties won't kill me, that this too shall pass, and being able to imagine less troubled times ahead.

 

[Joe_Hoopsier]

Well I don't know if this will help anyone, but it's working wonders for me. I waited for 2 weeks of results to report in, I didn't want to rush the data.

Since the wife was having trouble admitting the obvious, I found a tool to help her. I programmed all of the TV's in the house with a special password to be able to turn them off. Then I put on parental controls so that the channel can't be changed. Then I set the channel on Last man standing, set back and observed.
She seems much more enjoyable now, and friendly. She seems to be suddenly into geology too like Vanessa, she's even bought a shovel and is now digging a big hole in the back yard. It gives me time to watch without anyone talking. I think this thing is working.
I'll report back in a few weeks.

 

[Sope Creek]

Well I don't know if this will help anyone, but it's working wonders for me. I waited for 2 weeks of results to report in, I didn't want to rush the data.

Since the wife was having trouble admitting the obvious, I found a tool to help her. I programmed all of the TV's in the house with a special password to be able to turn them off. Then I put on parental controls so that the channel can't be changed. Then I set the channel on Last man standing, set back and observed.
She seems much more enjoyable now, and friendly. She seems to be suddenly into geology too like Vanessa, she's even bought a shovel and is now digging a big hole in the back yard. It gives me time to watch without anyone talking. I think this thing is working.
I'll report back in a few weeks.

"help her" . . . do you mean the wife, or the daughter?

BTW, best of luck with all this . . . it's tough to see your kids go through stuff like this. But being active, interacting with the world, is a key to keep from becoming a mindless vegetable in front of a TV . . . .

 

[Joe_Hoopsier]

"help her" . . . do you mean the wife, or the daughter?

BTW, best of luck with all this . . . it's tough to see your kids go through stuff like this. But being active, interacting with the world, is a key to keep from becoming a mindless vegetable in front of a TV . . . .

Ok.... Obviously you missed the attempt at humor. I thought this was a good attempt at a break from some folks reality.

A more serious update. Since I "laid down the law" so to speak. Funny thing, the day after, the daughter stepped up and got full time, with full benefits at her workplace. She's taken an active roll of what I call (stolen from a Military general speech, I think, I heard once) in getting up, dressing up and showing up everyday since. Honestly it's the most adult I have seen her be in her 23 years of existence.
The wife, I layed out some very harsh things, in point blank manner, of exactly what I felt she had been doing to the daughter, and why I thought she was doing it (sub-consciously). It's been pretty cold for a bit, but I've seen small steps of acceptance and she actually invited me to dinner Friday night. It was what I consider the normal "first step". Very quiet, "I know I've effed up for a long time and I can't just admit it, but I will ease back into life again". OR, there was an electronic transfer of all of my funds to a Swiss account at the time, we'll see.

I've gotta go call PC matic just to make sure. Peace out.

 

[dbmhoosier]

This is sad.

 

[ulrey]

This is sad.

View embedded media

Very sad

 

[UncleMark]

Very sad

Heart warming at the same time.

 

[Noodle]

Heart warming at the same time.

Yes, I found as much warmth as sadness in it. It was difficult to watch but should be required viewing for all. Not ashamed to admit I just cried watching it.

We all have capacity for greatness. And there is nothing greater than helping your fellow man when they are at rock bottom.